An Email a Day (Andy Barber)

Chapter 7 - Andy

Fuck this shit!

Fuck all of it!

My anger now comes out as I realise I've cracked open a bottle of beer and drank some when I told myself I wouldn't.

You idiot! You said you wouldn't do this! My mind scolds as I see the case notes littering the floor, "no more drinking yourself to shit Andy! That was the deal!

Grabbing the bottle and regaining all the willpower I have back once again, I empty the rest down the sink, still feeling angry at myself.
It's been a shit day to say the least, work is a stress and therapy made me remember crap I've been suppressing.

I've been good, so good to just drink socially but control it, now I've gone and fucked it up.

There's a couple more bottles in the fridge and I empty those, watching the liquid disappear down the drain.

You've got this

You've got control of your life.

I pull out my phone and re-read the emails from
Delilah. When I'm not at therapy? Those are my therapy, and she's a damn better therapist than the one I've got.

Delilah

I need your help...

I caved after a stressful day and had a beer, not a whole bottle, but enough before I realised that I promised myself I wouldn't do that.

Social drinking only.

I feel like one big ass disappointment. Talking about Laurie at today's therapy session triggered it all. I'd done a lot to keep those doors in my mind locked, but today that changed.

I don't wanna feel like I'm losing control over something I've tried to keep at bay for so long.

I don't know what to do...

Tell me what to do, because right now? You're the only voice of reason I got.

Andy

I press send and pace around the living room anxiously.

Even in death, Laurie is still determined to haunt me. He previous actions and words always trying to slip through without my notice until it's too late.

Now I realise that Delilah's probably asleep and won't see this for another couple of hours.

Shit.

You've got this Andy, she's probably gonna wake up and think you're the most stupid guy in the world and is regretting ever making this pact, but if she doesn't? That's a real friend right there. Everyone else turned their back on you after all. Says my mind.

Not that I had any real friends to begin with. Still don't, but Delilah? She's different. I can trust her, she's going through this shit too - ok, she hasn't lost a kid but she's lost enough.

And I would never wish what I've been through upon  her.

My email pings sometime later and I see her name, then relief filling me.

Andy.

Talking your arse off to your therapist will help everything you've kept closed off to finally leave you.

It hurts like hell.

I know, I'm doing the same, but you stopped yourself from losing control.

You haven't lost it at all

If anything you're more in control of it.

One beer will not hurt if you can stop yourself from it leading to another and then to another.

Unlock those doors, free your mind of everything that is still bothering you and once they are gone then you close them again.

If you keep them shut any longer then they'll eventually crack and break open anyway, and that is when you will feel like you have lost control.

You can do this, try not to stress about work - easier said than done I know.

Check back in with me - let me know that you're ok. This is my number if ever you wanted to call, no matter the time difference.

Try and get some sleep for me?

Deli

I feel at ease once more as I read her words and pick my papers up from the floor, finally feeling able to focus and get my head straight.

She's right. I continue to shut doors they're gonna blow wide open. It'll be more damaging than good.

Saving her number in my phone, I open WhatsApp and see she's on there. Her picture is of her and her husband, good looking guy- at least he was.

I close WhatsApp and open my emails again, we said we'd email, I'd probably freak her out if I sent a message through there so early.

Instead I email her back.

Thank you, I really needed to hear that.

Head is clear now and I'm gonna try and get some sleep. Sorry if I woke you. 😬

She shoots back a reply.

It's ok, I don't sleep much these days anyway. Bit of an insomniac but I'm working on it 😉 that and life in general! 😂

Same here Deli... same here.