If Yesterday Could Disappear

Chapter 22

If Yesterday Could Disappear

I stopped walking when I reached my destination, my gaze stays on the tombstone in front of me and it brought pain to my aching heart.

Kakauwi ko lang galing sa Baguio at dumiretso sa sementeryo para bisitahin ang daddy ko at makausap ito. I gathered all of my strength so I could be here, and It's tormenting my heart seeing his name infront of me. A painful truth of his death,

Dahan dahan kong binaba ang hawak kong bulaklak sa puntod nito, habang mapait na ngumiti sa litrato nitong nakapaskil sa harapan ko. After 14 years, his grave is still as new as it was. Like the sorrows he left in my heart, they never changed.

Even after the years, It feels new and it continues to break my heart every single time.

I know that It's ridiculous. Naiinis narin ako sa sarili ko dahil hindi ko magawang mamuhay nang hindi iniisip ang nangyari sa ama ko. He was the person who wanted to see me grew up happily, the person who wanted me to accomplish my dreams, the person who promised that he'll be by my side,

When I lost him, I lost everything. But today, Im here to end this suffering, because It's time to accept it.

"You are a painful memory that I never want to forget." I said. Namuo ang mga luha sa gilid ng mata ko na simbolo ng kalungkutan sa aking puso.

"And no matter how hard I try, It never fail to cut me off and leave me aching."

"If only yesterday could disappear, If only the pain and sorrows leave my mind. But they never did— and they ruined the little girl whom you love. It became a reason for me to push people away, and hurt them. And I'm so done hurting people who love me, I don't want him to leave me too," I cried.

"And if accepting your death is the only way for him to stay with me...then so be it,"

Napaupo ako sa damuhan at tinakpan ang mukha ko, and for a moment I feel the burden on my shoulders lift and leave me all alone. I feel so proud for my bravery and it brought tears to my eyes, even with the fear of getting haunted by my nightmares again, I smiled and cried my heart out infront of him.

"I Love you dad...I Love you so much."

Wala na akong pake kong gaano karami ang mga masasamang panaginip na makukuha ko dahil sa desisyon kong ito. Alam kong mahihirapan ako, alam kong matatagalan ito— pero kakayanin ko.

I'll try my best to accept your death, even if it means diving to an ocean of nightmares. I'll get there, and I'll heal my broken parts.

I spent a few more minutes infront of his grave. Nagkuwento ako sa kaniya tungkol kay Aiden, at kung papaano ko ninakaw ang mga unang halik ko sa kaniya. And every second of those moments, brought warmth into my heart.

So this is what it felt like to vent out on your bestfriend. It feels magical, and It's making heart race.

Napahinto ako sa pagngiti ko sa kaniyang litrato nang mapansin kong may huminto sa tabi ko at may hawak na bulaklak. I lifted my gaze towards the person beside me and saw the same women on that party a few nights ago.

Ngumiti ito sa akin bago linapag ang bulaklak na binili nito sa puntod ng daddy ko.

"Did I disturb you two?" She has a gentle smile on her lips, too good to be true.