Growing Up Gay

December 3rd Ch. 15

       If you read the title correctly than you'd be thinking of the song "Heather" by Conan Gray. For those that don't know its about a guy getting a sweater from another guy on december 3rd. They kiss and one falls for the other. While the guy who gave the sweater up only has eyes for a girl named Heather.
      This time of year is almost like a second valentines for me. As december comes around I walk around school with friends yet still feeling lonely as theres a whole in my heart that only one thing can fix, a boyfriend.
      Yes, I know that I should work on myself if I want a boyfriend but I've been doing that since the quarantine and I like who I am currently.
      I enjoy being single yet it fills me with such sadness to see others being happy in relationships. I cry and cry seeing other people going on holiday dates together. It's not fair, why do I have to suffer while straight people are getting into relationships left and right?
      It doesn't help that he ruined love for me. I haven't fallen as hard for anyone else after him. It just doesn't feel the same as it did with him. Look I still have attraction to guys but its not the same head over heels as it was with him. I'll give an example theres this boy in my chemistry class. He's funny, quiet, wears glasses and is kind. One of my friends who has good tastes approves of him, so at least I have my taste back. I think he's attractive and all but I haven't fallen for him like I did for Connor.
      I am completely broken. I tell myself hes probably straight and was staring at people around you. Yet the dots don't add up if he was staring at others around me. Why was he constantly looking for me then trying to make eye contact with me. What has he done to me? That's probably what I get for playing with love magic.
For any gay kid growing up, head my words. Don't fall for people you know you can't have. I know it hurts but wait til you're out of high school. Not everyone can have a "heartstopper moment". So it is better to work on yourself and enjoy being with your friends than crying over a boy that barely even knows of your existence.
      Here's another lesson for anyone reading, don't play with fire. If your a baby witch don't skip that basics like I did. I jumped straight into deity work and love magic. Even with heavy hitters like Anubis I still got burnt. I even used my own ethnic magic. Be careful what you cast, it can always be sent right back after you.
Away from the sadness in my heart and magic, my brain hasn't been much better. As christmas break neared I lost more and more sanity trying to prepare for tests. My teachers kept adding new things to my plate. You would expect them to go easy on us but no. I have had 3 major tests in the past 2 weeks and 4 quizzes. This was all in conjunction with a presentation and a speaking exam in Spanish.
As for the break itself, it started off with watching a hockey game. My honours humanitiess teacher gave us homework that was assigned and due the day before break. The problem was that as soon as I got home my parents whisked me away to a hockey game than to a party. Which meant that I didn't get to do my homework. So I ended up getting home at around 1 am. I sent an email apologising to my teacher and asked for an extension, sadly she never responded.
The next day my tio drove me , my nephew,and my niece to my abuelas house. There we spent a week doing nothing til my tio and his wife took to me to the movie theatre. We watched the new avatar movie it was good go watch it. Also there was lots of chisme (drama) this christmas.
It starts with my Tio Daniel and his new girlfriend. Think of a cuban Mortica Addams thats 5'11 and you basically got her. So the drama is that she brings food for the christmas party but its half eaten, like its leftovers from a different party. Not only that she doesn't go around and give hugs to everyone in the house when she entered. Thats a red flag in a hispanic household, you have to give a hug to everyone in the house when you enter.
Not only did she do that but apparently she also rolled her eyes at my favourite tia. Also my cousin brought gifts for everyone even my tios girlfriend's daughter. Mortica didn't say shit, not even a "thank you for thinking of her". Also she even made fun of my abuela. Trust me I was ready to tussle with that wannabe goth bitch.
Back on track, being stuck in that house felt like quarantine all over again. Those same old emotions gradually began to sink back in till I broke down on christmas eve. That night I cried myself asleep as I felt that same loneliness I felt during those dark times.
I was completely enveloped by that darkness until a dog saved me. As I was crying myself to sleep. My Abuelas dog, Ikora, came into the room and started licking my face. She stayed with me the whole night making sure that i stopped crying. This world is too cruel for the kindness in dogs' hearts.
As for christmas itself I played christmas games with the family, opened gifts, and finally got to see my parents again. Turns out I actually did miss them. I didn't get anything crazy for christmas this year, it was mostly upgrades. For instance I got a new stand for my xbox that charges the remotes and cools the system. I guess the coolest thing I did get was 2 terabytes of storage for my xbox. Although the backbone was pretty cool too, it basically adds controllers to your phone.
       Also received another christmas gift, my cousin and her kids living with me. I live in an apartment and it barley has room for me and my parents but now we have another adult and 2 kids running running around. You could imagine how chaotic it is. As now I have to act as an older brother to these kids. Let me tell you they can't think outside of the box nor be self sufficient at all. It's already starting to drive me crazy.
      I swear this year has gone by way too quick for me and yet it didn't feel real at all. I even talked to others and they agree with my sentiment that this year the holidays weren't it. None of them felt real. Christmas didn't feel like christmas it felt like regular old december 25.
     The day itself I had plans to bring in luck for the new year. I carried out these plans by holding money and drinking wine. In my culture holding money brings it in while the wine is just celebrating. After new years day I spent time with my favourite cousins, sadly we also had to watch some kids. It was fun we got to eat pizza and we also walked to get ice cream from a convenient store.
      I hope this year will be better than last year. I know I can't control fate but I can at least try to make my future brighter, and so can you. All we need to do is just focus on the little things and rise to the occasion. Never forget who you are, and don't compromise for anyone.