To be honest I didn't have anything planned to written for this month. But I am a writer, I bleed and cry on paper- or in this case an online site. I'll preface this, I have really shitty mental health and it's incredibly finicky. One moment I can be happy with my friends, the next I'm feeling shitty and worthless.
So I'll start with the reason why I am writing. Picture this it's the homecoming game everyone is happy and I come home to an empty house. Not expecting to see my parents til the next morning. So I drop off my bags and lay down in my bed and wait for the text. This text being the text to walk back to school. I get there as fast as I can, me and my friends laugh while handing out stickers. Once we go through our stickers- we join the rest of our friends in the stands.
We cheer on our team laughing while poking fun at our school spirit. When suddenly I get a call from Sean; he says he's at the game and is going to find me. I just laugh and wait for him and sure enough like the puppy he is. He comes behind me and tries to trick me by pulling my hood over my head. I laugh it off and stand with him for a while.
A little bit later me and Sean leave to go get food. We stand in line chatting I even see his mom and laugh with her for a bit. A little while later we go back to our seats which have been filled, I go to find my friends who were keeping our seats- they're gone. One which I planned to stick with went home and the rest were walking around. Sean went and talked to someone I don't really care for.
So I walked away, this is when my mental issues kick in. For some reason something in my mind told me: "leave, you aren't needed anymore."
So that's what I did, I lied to anyone I passed and said "I just wanted to come for a little bit". When really I just felt unwanted and unneeded. I walked home in the dark keeping in my tears til I got home.
I don't know why I am like this, why can't I just enjoy life? Why does my heart cry? I'm fucking jealous of those people with perfect mental health and no issues mentally. Must be so fucking nice with your brain not telling you you're worthless.
I feel like this quote fits me a little too well "'I feel like I'm the worst, so I always act like I'm the best" (Mariana and the Diamonds). As I act like I am the hot shit but in actuality I'm constantly on the edge of braking down.
Maybe I am just an attention whore- because I fucking hate being a dog. I hate being that friend that has to follow others around. I hate always feeling on edge in social gatherings. I hate feeling so fucking worthless.
Maybe I wouldn't have gone home if someone stopped me. Maybe all I need is just a hug?
YOU ARE READING
Growing Up Gay
Não FicçãoThis is basically my journal, so listen to all the bullshit I've been though and how I've dealt with it. From bad parents to homophobes at school. I've gone through a lot so come and see my journey through high school. ⚠️Trigger warning ⚠️ language...
