Death In The Family (Red vs Blue x Male OC)

S2•E13 - Me, Myself and You

Church and Tex stood inside Caboose's head, now with the mental images of Caboose himself and Tucker.

Mental Caboose: I see, so you're from the outside. That's where the other is from as well.

Church: The other? Wait you mean O'Malley? Have you seen him?

Caboose's mental image of Church appears behind Caboose.

Mental Church: Of course he's seen him, you idiot! You think Mister Caboose would miss something like that, you skeezy douche bag fuck?!

Church: Alright, hold on a second. Who the hell are you?

Mental Church: My name is Church, butt wiping ass munch!

Church: (whispering to Tex) This guy is kind of an asshole.

Tex: Yeah, we've met.

Mental Church: And I'm Caboose's best friend, so don't get any ideas about kissing up, you lip licking fuck suck!

Church: Okay, there's a lot of stuff in that sentence that I didn't like.

Tex: Just play along, Church. We're gonna need these guys if we're gonna find O'Malley.

Mental Tucker: I'm gonna go look for girls! (he leaves)

Church: Fine, whatever.

Mental Caboose: If you want to find O'Malley, I suggest we talk to the reds first. He tried to recruit them against me early on.

Church: The reds? The reds are in here?

Tex: (sigh) Church, the mental images of them are. Not the actual reds.

Church: Oh god... I can't even imagine what Ash will be like.

He didn't have to wait long for an answer though.

???: You mean me?

Tex and Church jumped and turned around. Now seeing Caboose's Mental Image of Ash. He wasn't really different, other than the fact his armor was still black, but had blue highlights instead of red.

Church: What the hell?! Ash? Is that you?

Mental Ash: What, were you expecting Squirrel Girl?

*-*-*

Real World

Grif and Donut were next to the sideways jeep. Looking for the part Donut misplaced.

Grif: Are you sure you left the part in there?

Donut: Hmm, think so. Wait, yes! No. Wait, wait wait wait. Mmmmmmmmm, I think so.

Grif: (sighs) Alright, lets retrace your steps. You said it was the Tuesday before Simmons and Sarge got blown up that you were last in the Warthog, right?

Donut: Right. I know it was Tuesday because that's the day I wash my underwear. And since I don't like letting my armor touch my bare skin, on account of I chafe real easily, I remember thinking "Where can I hang out with no pants on?"

Grif: Oh God!

*-*-*

Meanwhile, Lopez was running beside Tucker, who was driving Sheila, and heading towards the red base. Ash having riding on the side of the tank.

Tucker: Okay well, looks like we're close enough. Now if I could just find the brakes on this thing. Ah, it must be this button.

Sheila: Do not touch that button.

Tucker: Oh, sorry. Hmm, maybe it's this one.

Sheila: Do not touch me.

Tucker: You know, for a girl your size, you're kinda sensitive.

*-*-*

Donut continued on with his story. As he continued, Grif felt like shooting himself in the head. Honestly. Who could blame him?

Grif: I cannot take anymore of this.

Donut: So after I clipped my toenails, I was gonna apply the ointment as recommended. But I don't know, it just smelled really funny. So, I decided to taste it, just to make sure it was safe.

Grif: That's it! I'm committing suicide.

The organ he soldier runs off to get away from his annoying teammate. Which said teammate calls out to him.

Donut: Hey! I didn't finish retracing my steps yet. You don't even know what I did about the boil on my thigh.

Grif suddenly stopped and looked off into the distance. His eyes widening at what he saw.

Grif: Oh crap!

He saw Lopez, Sheila, Ash, and Tucker approaching'. Grif quickly takes cover behind the jeep

Donut: Hey you're back! So where was I? Oh yeah, I lanced it. Disgusting!

The pink soldier starts making creeped out noises.

Grif: Not now, rookie! There's a giant tank out there that's about to steamroll right over us!

Donut: What?!

He hops up and down to see over the jeep and sees Sheila approaching. And she didn't look like she was stopping.

Donut: Oh God it's true! I'm totally freaking out! I'm freaking out!

Donut then begins running around in circles as the blues were approaching the base quickly.

*-*-*

Tucker: Oh my God. I can't believe Caboose is smart enough to drive this thing and I'm not! Sheila how the fuck do I slow you down?

Sheila: Retard the throttle.

Tucker: What throttle? This throttle?

Ash: Tucker, the controller!

Tucker: You mean this thing? What're you talking about, I'm so confused!

Sheila: The controller, retard!

Tucker: Hey that's kinda insulting. (Sheila repeats the word "retard" over and over as they approach Red base) Oh, come on. Now you're just being mean.

Sheila: ...retard.