Death In The Family (Red vs Blue x Male OC)

S2•E6 - Last Words

The Warthog still had Sarge pinned and is slowly firing closer and closer to his head. Doc is still impotently sitting in the driver's seat while Evelyn tried pulling the turret away with her grapple.

Simmons: Okay, we gotta do something here guys.

Evelyn: Way ahead of you Simmons. Agh! Come on you stupid...!

Donut: You're right. I got dibs on Sarge's armor.

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Tucker was kneeling in front of Church again. The beeping still being heard.

Tucker: Okay, Church, you ready? I'm gonna yank the wire.

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Sarge: Grif, if you see Lopez, tell him I forgive him. Tell him.. he was like a son to me.

Grif: I thought Simmons was like a son to you?

Sarge: No offense, Simmons. Lopez and I just.. understood each other better.

Simmons: Understood? He refused to speak English!

Evelyn: More like his voice chip got set to the wrong language.

Grif: Yeah, and he ran away the first chance he got.

Evelyn: And now he's trying to kill you with a remote control jeep!

Sarge: Ahhhh, what a little rascal.

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Tucker: Alright, here goes nothin'. One... Two... Three! (pulls the wire, there's a small electrical sound, and the beeping stops)

Church: Oh god, yes! Finally! Some freakin' peace and quiet! I thought that was gonna drive me nuts! ...Hey. Why can't I move my legs?

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The warthog emits its series of beeps, then it begins shutting down. Ceasing its continuous machine gun fire as Evelyn's grapple detached from the turret.

Warthog: Signal lost.

Evelyn: Wow, that was a close one. Are you okay, Sarge?

Sarge: Ah, horse puckey, I'm fine. Although I do have to admit, maybe a little bit disappointed.

Simmons: It's okay, sir. I know that you said a lot of things that you didn't mean. People say crazy stuff when they're faced with their own mortality.

Sarge: It's not that. I just felt like I could have taken him.

Grif: Taken who? The machine gun?

Sarge: Oh he was a worthy opponent to be sure, but right at the end there he was beginning to show signs of weakness. Cracks in the armor, if you will.

Evelyn: What? You can't fight a machine gun. It would have torn you to shreds!

Donut: Yeah, Sarge. I know you're tough and all, but it is kinda hard to beat up hundreds of armor piercing bullets using only your face.

Sarge: And yet, he surrendered.

Doc: Guys, guys, it's okay, I've seen this before. Sarge just lived through a very traumatic ordeal. We all have ways of coping with the stress.

Grif: Oh yeah? How do you deal with it?

Doc: Oh I have my own system that works pretty well for me. ...By the way, the driver seat of the jeep is gonna need a thorough cleaning.

Evelyn: Not it!

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Church: This is great, this is just great! Thanks a lot, Caboose. Now what'm I supposed to do? My lower half is damaged.

Caboose: Why don't you try walking it off?

Church: I can't use my legs, moron.

Caboose: Oh, I see. ...Have you tried running?

Tucker: This doesn't seem like that big a deal. You hardly ever used your legs before anyway. I've never heard of a grown man asking for so many piggy-back rides.

Church: Hey, I already told you: that was for science.

Caboose: Why don't you just try walking on your hands? Then you could use your feet for high fiiiiives, and ...eatin' sandwicheeeees... and, you know, the important stuff.

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Evelyn: Hey, Doc, although I'm sure Sarge enjoys having his spine pulverized into dust, maybe you should go ahead and back up the Warthog.

Doc: Oh, right. Sorry.

He accidentally drives the Warthog forward into Sarge again.

Sarge: Oh, hot buttered lug nuts!

Doc: Ooo, geez, I'm really sorry. I-I just was in the wrong gear, let me just...

And once more he accidentally rams Sarge against the wall.

Sarge: Yoh, geez! There goes mah last kidney! I was saving that one for a special occasion.

Doc: Third time's a charm?

Simmons: I don't think so, Poindexter. Outta the jeep now!

Doc: I'm really sorry guys. I was only trying to help. Really!

Grif: Oh, is that all? I for one was totally confused. I thought you were savagely trying to kill our sergeant by ramming him over and over with a six thousand pound steel death machine. Now that we know that you're just trying to help, by all means, please continue.

Doc: ... ...Really?

Grif, Simmons and Evelyn: Get out!

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Tucker was once again kneeling in front of Church, working on his wires to try and fix him.

Church: Well just start reattaching wires, I'll tell you when I feel something.

Tucker: What about that? Do you feel that, Church?

Church: No, what're you doing? I don't feel anything.

Caboose: Oh, Church? You know, I was thinkin'. ...Uh yih yih ya know, when you, when you eat ice cream too fast sometimes and it hurts your brain?

The Reds are seen from a distance approaching Blue Base.

Church: Hey, Caboose? Yeah. Shut up.

Caboose: (seeing the Reds) Uhhhh... Church? I think that you should know that the Reds are-

Church: Dammit, Caboose! In the short time I've known you, you've managed to call my girlfriend a slut, blow me up with a tank, shoot me in the head, and now paralyze me from the waist down! So I hope it's not too much for me to ask, just for once, if you'd shut yer freakin' mouth!

Tex and Ash soon came walking up to the three blues as the reds had just arrived.

Tex: Guys what is going on-

Simmons: Hey, Blues, we're here to-

Simmons and Tex stopped what they saying when they saw Tucker kneeling in front of Church. Tex even went as far as to cover Ash's visor with his hand. Her maternal instincts kicking as she thinks Ash may still have some innocence left in him. Despite all these years.

Evelyn, Simmons, and Tex: What the hell are you guys doing!?