Being 16 (17*)(18**)(19***) is so much fun 🥱🙄

Currently life status

My procrastination is very evident already in this thing. I started the last 'chapter' weeks(?) ago and only just finished it because I had an out burst but maybe that's fitting.

I originally started this thing one light when I was crying myself to sleep. All my life I've shared a room with my sister and as of a month or so ago I got my own room. The night I created this was my first night sleeping in the room without my sister, or two cats. I was just sad to move on but I do love having my own space now. It still feels foreign to not have late night chats with my sister about things or all those funny times when I tried my best at doing different accents. I'll really miss all of those but its not like em and my sister have grown apart. We still spend lots of time together.

There has been a few nights here and there when I feel really sad about things but that's what I wanted to rant about next.

I started getting anxious in 1st year and it only got worse and worse ad time went on. I used to get bad heat waves and really freaked out in school but just thought I had some weird temperature problem. Then came the anxiety attacks 💫 It was weird the first time it happened but I got over them and when they do happen I just try my best to calm myself down. I noticed that they happen less and less now but I am on summer break and it'll end soon enough.

Btw I should mention that I haven't been diagnosed for anything. nothing at all and everything I am going to say could just be me being silly.

I started thinking about death in 3rd year and I felt very unhappy at times which could possibly have been because of quarantine and online schooling whatever.
This year I noticed it being worse, I would breakdown and just sob over things but never infront of anyone, always in my room.
I just started to feel really bad about everything.

Even now it hasnt gone away and literally less than an hour ago I was balling my eyes out over something stupid. I cry over everyhting and I feel crap half of the days of the week I feel like I'm doing absolutely nothing with my life.

I wanted to talk to my mam about getting tested for some mental health thing because I know there must be something. I believe I have problems. I prefer to be alone suddenly and rarely speak to anyone, I have a bad attitude towards things, I am absolutely terrier of anything involving death and it genuinely terrifies me so much that I don't do anything with myself, I cant get out of bed sometimes, I always want to be with my mam but sometimes she infuriates me and I hate myself more than anything in this world.

I've never thought I had serious problems but ones that are concerning enough to probbaly mention to someone. I wish I could but I'm scared too. What if it goes bad and I have to start taking pills or medication. I dont know, I dont want it to save me but ruin my life. It would be nice to know if something was wrong with me and all the fucking mood swings I have go away but I dont see anyway to do it. How do I just waltz up to my mam one day and spit out that I think my brain is fucked.

It's a weird and scary thing to suffer in silence. Even my friends who come to me often feeling depressed havent got any clue that theres seeming wrong. They would never know that I feel so unhappy that I would much rather be anyone but me. I'm sure a lot of teenagers feel the exact same way and I wish I didn't but I do.

Its not like my mam would be judgemental about it or anything but it's a weird topic to bring up. I'm always scared that my dad will disown me and kick me out of the house. You see my parents are cool with all my friends with gay, bi and trans but when it comes to me, my dad would never be fine with it lr so my mam says. See most people wouldn't have this problem except I do.

I know I'm not straight, 100% and for two years I didn't label myself as anything because I didn't feel like I belonged. It was only the start of 4th year that I felt Pansexual explained how I was. It did for a while and I still do label myself as that because I don't know what else too.

another dilemma in my oh so hard life. See I would date anyone, no matter the gender which fits well under the term pan but I dont just feel that way. I am mainly attracted to men which is fine but I would never date one unless It was a very specific guy, on the other hand I would definitely date a girl even though I would absolutely adore a man treating me like a princess, I know woman can do that too but still. I don't understand what's up with that either.

I feel like one big confused mess and I have no one to talk to about it or explain to me what I might or might not be.

(decide to just post this with nothing else added. This is from two months ago)