Being 16 (17*)(18**)(19***) is so much fun 🥱🙄

I'm so lonely

You ever read those dramatic phylysophical pieces that are always some what true or beautiful. I always thought the one that went like 'being alone and being lonely are too different things' was so dumb.
I never truly understand what it meant and simply thought they were trying to be soppy and emo.

I think now I can finally understand what it means. For the last year or so I've been very independent and found that I much preferred my own company than being with others. That has been my mindset for the past however long but as I was sitting at my desk, procrastinating my Irish essay, I was looking at my phone. No, I wasn't sitting on tiktok or Instagram, I was looking at my blank notification bar. I just watched it for a minute or two and nothing.

I almost laughed, how pathetic that a seventeen year old girls only notifications are from solitare or another random app I have downloaded. Now don't get me wrong, I have friends. A solid group that are lovely sweet people (apart from one) and we do have a groupchat. The issue is that I don't speak in it and even when I do I feel so stupid and guilty. So I just don't bother anymore.

Refering back to that statement thing about being alone and lonely. I think that being alone is truly being on your own, have no one to talk to,no friends, no decent family. But lonely Is the opposite, even though I have good friends, a family and properly a lot more than others, I still feel lonely.

Sometimes I feel I'm trapped in my room, just me on my own. I do often enjoy the comforts of my space but other times I wish I was an outgoing person. I wish I spoke to lots of people so I always had someone to chat endlessly to about anything and everything. Although my friends assure me that enjoy when I pop into the groupchat and I know they would I insist to do said endless talking, I still feel opposed to it.

This time I feel different, i feel drained and so bored of living the same old loop while my hatred for myself and people around me grows. I want to just scream at my mam that I'm depressed and tell my friends about what's happening in my head all the time. Lastly I really wish I could be honest about how truly shitty Lucy makes me feel. I feel so angry and stupid to have not said anything to her when she made a fool out of me..

I never imagined that someone could be so cruel.

Lucy was the first person I stupidly admitted to that I had depressive episodes.

I have to admit that I think it's my fault.i was asking for it when I said it to her. I should have know better to tell someone that, especially her, after she made jokes about my father being an alcoholic.
I know it sounds so dramatic but whenever I picture that night again it makes me feel so terribly.

I remember my heart was going so fast as I shuffled around the word "depression". I was scared to call it that and started to think maybe I shouldn't, I haven't been diagnosed, it's just how I feel. We were chatting like nothing, just as girls do, about the trip. So when she openly admitted something to me, I felt I could to. To say I wasn't expecting it was an understatement.
I didn't want her to feel pity for me but I wanted the first person I told to..care(?)

Lucy's reaction makes me feel that it turly is nothing and I am simply pathetic. How could I dare even think it was something anyone should be concerned over. Maybe I was just being a foolish little girl.

I feel I am often in competition withucy, always trying to one up eachother. But I don't try to make it a competition, I am simply trying to tell my side, my experience, my thoughts or whatever is needed. It is almost heartbreaking to sit next to her every day and try to forget what she said. Sometimes when I think about why I'm alive,I go back to that moment just to be reminded that I am just a stupid girl that is nothing special. Somewhere in my mind I wish I could be special to people and no matter how much my friends say so, I don't believe them. I am quite literally as plain as they come, nothing interesting about me, nothing shocking.

All of my friends are so unique to themselves and then I look at myself and can't help but think that maybe I am just a shadow. I would never admit to them how I felt around them. The majority of the time I enjoy it but then theres those moments where I wish I was anywhere but there. I pray to be back in my bed, watching a lame video but content with my surrounding.

I've always had issues fitting in but I didn't realize it so much I was 14. Everyone in the group I hung around with had so many similar interests and then there I was. I always viewed that group as the hip cool kids, they were into bands and all sorts of cool things. I thought I was the opposite, an outcast really. I was a typical girl who liked boys and was obsessed with clothing and my hair. I truly felt like I was in the wrong friendgroup but it stuck and somehow I ended up really close friends with some of those people.

I know this whole thing has been different from the last few that I have written but something in me lately has just been killing my mood. That pessimistic attitude really is a harsh one and I think I truly do have it. I keep debating about telling my friends these things but then I feel bad and maybe they will be too busy for that kinda stuff. I do hope that one day in the future Lucy was ask what is going on between us and I can tell her how truly shitty it was without holding anything back. But I think she would care to ask anymore, maybe me and her both know deep that the friendship is over. I'm sure she'll be delighted once I slip away to college and barely get seen by that group. I'm sure they would all be sad if they heard me say such a thing. But yeah, once I'm In college, I doubt they will still want to be friends me. everyday I become more of a shitty person.

Yeah.thats just yeah ..I suppose there isn't much else that I can add onto that but you never know, I'm sure there's something deep in my heart that I'm not admitting to myself or out loud.

Se you then fuckers ♡