Being 16 (17*)(18**)(19***) is so much fun 🥱🙄

crying on christmas eve

I'm an emotional, sentimental person who often takes little things to heart and too seriously. The majority of the time it's my heart over my brain that runs my body.

I'm sitting in my car, holding back my tears, while my mum and younger brother feed my dads dog.
Christmas has always been tough in my family. Having an alcoholic for a dad always seems to suck the holiday dry of any joy.
Maybe it's his selfishness for not caring about his family, or not getting his wife (my mum) a gift, the way he speaks to me, the way he acts, or how he doesn't care about us, let alone himself.

I was crying to my mum for over an hour today as I told her how angry I was at him for treating us so poorly, how shit this life is, what an asshole he is, and how it all made me feel awful.
Most nights, when he goes back to his binging. On those troubling nights, I curse and beg to a god that I do not believe in for help, for anything. Mainly I ask why I don't have a normal dad.

I'm selfish and life will never be fair, or the way I want it so badly to be. But to me, asking for a normal dad is such a simple plea.
Some Christmas' he's fine and doesn't go on a binge that spirals out of control. This year, is not one of those years. I can't help myself from covering my ears when he speaks, closing my eyes, biting my tongue so I can pretend it's not happening and that when I come to, he'll be the dad I've always wanted.

I do love my dad, sometimes a little less than I should. I try not to blame myself over that little bit of resentment that gnaws at me, although it is hard.
It's Christmas, so I'll try not to let it all get me too down but sometimes I do wish I had someone to speak with about it all, someone who would get it. I don't know if that will ever happen.