Being 16 (17*)(18**)(19***) is so much fun 🥱🙄

independence

I'm sitting in my room listening to the backing track of I want you by the Jackson Five as it plays from the Google speaker downstairs.  My mam is gone with my youngest brother to his training, my other brother and sister have gone down to the town and my father just left to drink. I am seventeen and somehow I feel that I've reached the peak of my life and passed it already. I feel that how things are now is how my life will be for the next 60 years. It's ..bitter to say the very least. 

To be quite honest, I can't say I'm okay. My biggest issue of the last year is being completely done with my friends. I'm not sure if it's part of these 'episodes' I have that I find myself annoyed with the people closest to me. Maybe they deserve it, but I doubt it. They are all good people and friends and really it is just in my head all the things I make up when I feel the desperation to drift away from them. 

I created this almost a year ago to be completely open with what I was feeling but I still find myself dreading typing these as I don't want to sound like a foolish typical teenager, but then on occasion, I find myself wishing I was a typical teenager who had a life from a movie. I wish I was rebellious and didn't ask for my parent's permission for literally everything. I wish I just went where I wanted to go no matter if I was going on my own or with a group of friends. My mother has always been restrictive towards my freedom, not allowing me to go here and there and god it would be a crime if I went out on my own. Part of me wants to put this blame onto her but I know I can't. It's my own fault for not being brave enough to go places without my friends or for even asking her to do so. The anxiety Is too prevalent in me to do anything courageous. 

It has become normal to be alone. No friends to chat with 24/7, and parents that I can't talk to. Sometimes it feels like I was set up for failure. Sometimes I wish I was a typical teenager with a cool group of friends to hang out with at night or with a partner who would come over til the late evening. I'm always reminded when I take my eyes off this computer screen that that is a fake dream and there is no point in wishing on dead stars. 

I just want to do stupid simple things with my friends. Going on walks, playing silly games, and being weird teenagers. I want to live a weird boring seventeen-year-old life.