Being 16 (17*)(18**)(19***) is so much fun 🥱🙄

hating myself but it's summer

That's right, my exams have been completed and I'm now free for the summer. I'm currently sitting on my bed, listening to music and simply existing.

Summer is a good time of year, lots of free time and no worry about overdue homework. Summer has always been my favourite time of the year. Leaving the house with not even a jumper because the weather is that nice, is a privilege I always look forward too.

But even with all the good to come, I find myself with that usual loneliness. Typically it's resulted from having not friends or a want to get away from Lucy. I mentioned my reconnection with an old friend which is still going strong but I feel crushed after discovering Lucy has also been chatting with them. It's such an incredible bitter realization that I truly have no friends. Every single friend I have made, Lucy is always involved. It puts me off and I find myself pulling away from those people as well.

Everything around me seems to predict this empty future for me. With no desire to talk with my current friends, I stay stuck with only 5 friends while everyone else have multiple other friends to talk with. I spend my time listening to music, scrolling stupid YouTube videos, checking my Facebook, checking my email, reading the news, and playing mobile games. Notice how it's all things I do on my own. I have the odd private conversation with my friends over text but It's not every second of everyday like close friends would do.

I'm only 17 and I feel stuck. I know I'll feel fine tomorrow or maybe the next day. Right now though, there's a certain disspaointment settled in my stomach and heart as I think about how boring and sad my life is. The worst part of my loop is that I can't even make new friends. I don't know how to reach out to new people, I can't.

Life isn't supposed to be this hard. Tensions between Lucy and me only rise the more I see her and the more I come to the conclusion that she is an ignorant, immature girl. She interrupts with no pardon, she makes rude comments, she acts mature but really she is a little girl with no sense of direction. That sounds cruel and maybe it is but I won't take my words back. Not when she has put me in this little box. Sometimes I feel I cannot be myself in fear that she will say one of her ridiculous comments and spoil my mood, which happens often.

Summer is supposed to be fun and relaxed. So far it's felt exhausting, especially as I spend the majority of my days alone. I have opportunities to ask people to hang out but I lack the energy.  I know people don't like me, I'm quietly judgemental and have a particular opinion on everything. Maybe I'm a bitch, a bad person, a weirdo. That's why I keep to myself now.

Lucy and I often have little Tiff's now and sometimes I wish I was more assertive with what I want to say. She acts better than me, smarter than me, prettier than me, cooler than me, popular than me. She makes it a competition and I hate it. I have no means to be popular, or cool, or pretty. They mean nothing to me. Lucy focused on herself a lot. But mainly other people's lives around her, particularly those outgoing popular kids, always going out about how amazing their lives look. An obliviously rude comment to make at her friend's.

Why look at other people's lives and compare it to yours. Everyone has a different life and it's honestly silly to be so pathetic. These popular kids aren't much different from us. This isn't a film or a book, this is real life and there is no divide between us and them. That's bullshit. We are all just people.

Although I already feel tired of this lonely summer, things can only get better I suppose. Or maybe it'll get worse. Either way, I'm sure I'll be fine. I get through everything, as demonstrated before.
I will kill Lucy if she ruins my summer, my last summer of freedom.

The wise words of myself
, Fuck yourself