Being 16 (17*)(18**)(19***) is so much fun 🥱🙄

control

We all get that feeling every once in awhile, that crushing, deflating, disgusting feeling of having no control over your life.

I find myself feeling that more often than not recently. I struggle to find where I live in my relationship with others. One day, I'll find comfort in them and have such a strong desire to spend all my time with them, and then the next moment, I'll wish I never had to see them again.

It's a destructive feeling when it takes over. I don't like it all that much and in fact, I'm almost sure it's the reason I lost many friends.

In my current life, I have been struggling to enjoy my friendship with my best friend. She has become overbearing and I believe I am often overlooked by her or in some way, treated as less. Maybe it's because I have little self confidence and love but I can't help but assume she thinks so little of me.

I disappoint myself often but rarely find it that I'm disappointed in others, particularly my friends. My best friend has been disappointing me on the regular as of recent. It has been difficult to not mention how she subconsciously belittles me and causes me to be antsy in my chair.

Tonight has put me on a stand still with my work.
I reached out to her to confirm if she still wanted to be on the prom committee with me this year seeing as we are seniors and we had agreed to it for the last two years. She decided that she no longer wanted to do it.
Of course, she has every right to do what she will with her time. Yet, a part of me can't help but be annoyed, or even slightly frustrated with her over it.
She has high expectations for our finals and needs high results to achieve her dream course. The committee would take up too much of her time, as she believe, and would possibly take her from her study and work. I understand her. This is her future that she is talking about. But I can't help it. I feel let down on such an important thing for me.

I'm now unsure what to do. Do I continue on the committee anyway? Do I just forget it all and focus on my studies instead.
The issue arrises of a group of girls who arranged a previous ball that we had two years ago. Without a doubt, they will want a piece of this plan and most likely over power me if I am on my own. I'm afraid things will not work out and I will have to leave the committee. I am confident in my own person but the support would have been much needed.

I cannot tell where I should go with this. Things sometimes get so complicated with friendship that I feel as if I'm at a stand still. Or maybe the clock has frozen in place and is ticking away.

Control is something my life has always lacked. Not only have I never been able to control my emotions but also my actions. It has been an increasing struggle to find contentness in my life. Sure, I have experienced happiness but I have not been content for some time. Things are always moving and I often feel in the dark with my friends and myself. I try to be the positive one, in always chatting with a story, smiling at everyone, listening to their days, I try to be someone everyone can deem bubbly and bright. Im finding it hard to keep that going. I just want to slow down for some time and not have to do that. But I think it would become too noticeable if I took that mask off for a minute.

So maybe I'll just keep it on forever. That way nobody else would known about how I feel and I can always be known as good and friendly and positive. Nothing else.
It doesn't really matter how I feel anymore, only how I affect others because I don't really care about me anymore. But I do about them.