Only For You

XXXVI) Marion: Unmarked Aircraft

Airmen were running everywhere. "Captain!" I gave attention as I accidentally ran into him. "You set men up over the site." His deep voice muttered. "You realize that it will get us killed?!" My goodness, my voice actually projected. His eyes stared back into mine, "we don't have time to make sense of the situation. It only would make things way worse if we didn't. They will take over and that will be the end of everyone. You hear me out on this?" His foot was nervously tapping the cold, hard concrete down below. It felt terrible, his idea. Maybe this was not the end, but something convinced me it was. As I write these excerpts about my day late at night I cannot help but think about all of my pains, emotions, and afflictions. Today was particularly bad.

As I tried to come up with a comment that wouldn't hurt my reputation I thought of a new position. This new position for me would help others understand what I am meaning by a different mission. "They will get killed, we will get killed. You cannot mess this up. You hear me?" My mouth tried to explain this, but my point was not even valid in their eyes. I felt useless. For once in my life I felt like I could not make a difference. My emotions ran deeper again. "Get some rest for a moment. You are ready much sooner, so sit down." He said right before he was going to walk away. I slid my body down next to the landing gear. My mind disappeared. I dozed off into a deep sleep... or so I thought.

"Hey! Get up!" I heard a voice say. Soon after the sound of air raid sirens pierced my ears. I knew it was really time. This was the true time -the true alarm. I threw myself into my aircraft. I didn't even think twice about anything at all. I let out a groan as I put my helmet and headset on. The main concern was actually being able to fight and actually survive. I saw Golph in his plane, which was parked next to me on the apron. He gave me a nice little smile right before getting my helmet situated on my head. Of course I had to give him a smile back. He is so kind. "Golph, buddy, you got this. Some things we just need to do and not really think twice." My voice finally gave off some confidence. I felt a small spark of energy -a burst. Maybe this would really get me through. I would not know. "Yes ma'am." His voice echoed in a flirty manner over frequency. "We got this."

The evidence was there, the evidence of who started this that is. It sucks really bad to know that someone -one person- would want to do that to millions. I hate it all -I hate this and that. It gets old after a while. Today marked my six months on deployment. I still remember how devastated my mind was when I received the news. It sucked so badly. I knew from the beginning that this would be it -the silence rang for too long. I felt a knot in the pit of my stomach since I opened that letter. I felt inadequate the moment that Officer stepped in the house. My body shook and trembled in fear everyday after that message. Maybe, just maybe- it was meant to make me die. They always say that the future is bright, but I beg to differ with mine. I felt the pain of myself and others every day. It was constant bereavement. I can't keep going with having to deal with this. I just thought that letter was a small slice of misery, but what came after it was even worse. I feel like I have zero feelings besides hatred and those I'm forced to feel like respect. It's beyond anything I can find words to describe.

From thence forward I was obligated to go to the Air Force. I had to, and I was indoctrinated to it. There was no escaping or withdrawal. I had to suffer bereavement everyday, and who knows when that will come to a halt. My heart aches, in fact so bad that it is becoming increasingly harder and harder to focus. About a month into deployment, my hometown of Catskill, New York was destroyed. My entire family died. Better yet, I wasn't informed until precisely a month later. They were cremated and placed in honor urns at the small cemetery located off of 45th street. To know the truth it really hurt. It felt more painful than a hot knife against the skin. Not a day went by that I felt considerably 'normal.' In my personal eyes this was considered something that weighed me down. I could not think straight, act normal, or even sleep at night. The trauma really bit down on me hard. There is always an idiomatic expression that goes something like this, "my being late was a blessing in disguise." Well, if I do say so myself, that is not true in my situation. Nothing out of my current circumstance has been a blessing or a good thing. Really the only thing keeping me going is flying. Without flying I do not know if I would entirely still be here today. I found ways and ideas to escape, but I could not succeed. It seemed never ending and ever so hard. My mind was being pushed to its limits and my mind was overheating. Sick, tired, and oh so overwhelmed.