Only For You

XXV) Marion- Inadeqate

For some reason men just make me feel so inadequate. I guess maybe it's because I'm a female taking over their industry. That's highly understandable. However, the men on this base are all a bunch of crooked haughty people. This has been my toughest reassignment yet. The depression is really hitting hard. "Hey! Hey girl there! Get on the ground and give me twenty!" One of the arrogant men yelled at me because I wasn't doing my task right. "Yes sir!" I projected my voice as loud as I could. I was running a hoarse voice from yelling last night. My small arms struggled to push my body off the ground and hold the 90 degree angle. At a moment when I only hit five I remembered that Nick cares for me and I must do this for him. Tears dripped from my eyes and wetted my glasses. All I wanted was him, nothing more, nothing less. I just wanted to fly with him and nothing else. I got that taken from me.

I finished all twenty push ups and I struggled to stand afterwards. "Alright little girl, you're going to go over to Chernobyl." His arrogant voice pierced my ears. It sounds so sickeningly bad. "I'm not a little girl. If I was a little girl then I would be at home helping my mommy make cookies. In this case I ain't a little girl, so shut up and get on with your misogynistic lifestyle. I'm not a regular woman either. I have no desire to do any of that stuff. That's such a stupid thing in my mind. I hate being labeled. I hate being mistaken. I hate this all. Please just let me go on and fight. Please stop picking a fight yourself and put your boots on and go pick one with someone else." Oh Marion what did you just say? I have always had an issue with back talking and this was just irresistible. He walked closer to me as I stood there in the mud trying to look serious. "You done yet?" He asked, then I shook my head in affirmation. I was scared as he kept moving closer until his nose was just centimeters from mine. "Hmm I would yell at you, but I like you. You really stand your ground Lieutenant." He gave me a big smirk. He had feelings and I could tell. "You know, I've been like that my whole life. Maybe you should go and pick a fight somewhere else. Seriously though, this is getting old. Everyone here is a jerk. I seriously cannot seem to get things myself though. You guys are all jerks." I raised my chin and pursed my lips in an arrogant way to impersonate him. He laughed a little, "Lieutenant I cannot just yell at you for this. I can help get you out of here." He kept his voice down as he grabbed my arm. I immediately yanked it away from him in disgust. Nick is the only person I will ever let touch me. "Hey, can it? Eew you stop it right now or else I'm going to turn you in. How can I believe you because I've had so many people tell me that, but only to fall through on their promises.

The wind crept through and kissed my cheeks. The Lieutenant let out a haughty smile. He was arrogant and he was a jerk, which is why I didn't believe him. "Listen lady, you are good and we all need you here. You know what outwit means don't you? It's not that Lieutenant Wright. I can get you out of the military if you want." He smiled at me while I looked at my feet. I couldn't believe I was having a casual conversation with someone I should be having a formal one with. "Yeah I do know what outwit means. I don't believe you and even if I did leave I would be dishonorably discharged. I can't lose my job. That would be such a waste." My throat tightened as the temperature dropped. "You know your stuff ma'am. I like that. I know you want out." He traced my face with his eyes. "I do. How do I get out without a dishonorable?" I asked him quite aggressively. "Do you have a place to go?" He puffed his chest a little.

My face had to have been cherry red, not because of him, but because of the cold air. "I don't have a place to go. I don't have a home. I mean if I was to go anywhere it would be Frankfurt." I kept my voice calm and without emotion when I said Frankfurt so he wouldn't know my intentions. "So little lady, what happened in Frankfurt, huh?" He smirked at me. "I would like to ask that you stop calling me derogatory names. That is rude in the sight of me. Let's keep this neutral alright? Nothing happened there, trust me." I ruffled my eyebrows in confusion when he began asking more questions, "I know something happened. Did you fall for a German? Why else would an American want to live in Germany?" He questioned and his voice got louder. His whole demeanor became strict and almost creepy. "As a matter of fact sir, I am going because I have German heritage and I loved it there. I want to get away from this mess. This mess that has painted me into a mess on public television and so forth. Okay? How about that for a change? What am I supposed to do? I'm not staying here. I'll stay in military until this darn war is over, then I'll go to Germany." My teeth quietly moved as I awaited a response. "I know what happened between you and the German Luftwaffe pilot." Suddenly I opened my eyes and his face was inches from mine.

Shoot! I didn't want anyone to know about us. "What are you talking about?" I played dumb, and I thought I was doing it good. His eyes beat into my soul. "You fell for him. Don't lie to me. I swear on everything I won't tell anyone. That could get you a dishonorable discharge. I was there and I saw you two kissing. You cannot lie about what the human eye saw. I'm not up in the night. Madame, you cannot fall for a German Luftwaffe pilot. That's a sin in war." I really wanted to challenge his beliefs, but I continued to just fake and come up with excuses. "What? Who says I cannot fall in love with... you know what then, why don't you just kill me then? You have a gun and if you know that I did something so wrong, then why don't you just let me die right now?" I'm challenging you, but I don't understand much now." I placed a smirk across my face while remembering Nick's hugs. "I will not kill you, nor turn you in. I'll help you, but you have to swear that you won't turn me in. I sat up straighter and took a breath. "Sure you won't. Why did you make me do twenty push ups then? And duh I'm going to struggle. I'm a woman and have zero upper body strength." I rolled my eyes. "Sure. I'm sorry about that. It won't happen again."

Now I'm to the point where I need to address my trust issues. I have freaking trust issues that make life hard. One person destroyed that for me and there's only been one that I have been able to trust, and that's Nick. The thunder rolls by everyday and I just try to get over it, but I cannot. Pilots stand strong, so I don't let it get to me. Maybe, just maybe this will change.