Only For You

XXXII) Marion- Lifeblood

Back when I lived in New York there was always something that was going wrong. I totally felt trapped and sort of left alone. That idea was really getting to me in the end of things. New York was a hustle and bustle. I could never believe the rapidness of the city. Since I am originally from a little area just outside of time square it was somewhat still calm. My parents bought a penthouse there when I was the little age of 5. Gosh I hated it there, in fact it was the worst place ever. The new place I'm stationed at is the complete opposite of my hometown. Our minds are always watching and actively listening for new aircraft flying by. The unknown things that were coming up just triggered my mind and hurt my feelings.

Ever since I found out that the love of my life is dead I have no longer been the same. "Hey." I heard a flirty voice say. "Hi!" I turned around in a bout of hope. I realized that it was Lieutenant Marelli. "You know what? You have to show them. You need to tell them who you are and what you're here for. They hate you Marion, and they do so with a passion. However, they hate you because they see who you truly are. They know that you have something far better to offer than they do. Their minds are hating you because of their jealousy. Honey, you need to put the past off and focus on the future." He said in a half kind and a half aggressive way.

My eyes wandered across his face. "How can I fly and not focus on my ptsd or Nick?" I explained. "You fake it, don't think about it, just do it. I know that sounds so irrational, but sometimes you cannot be conscious." He said still in a calming voice. It seemed as if the wind was picking up yet again. The cool air brought forth a mild headache for me. A sharp voice began to speak, "Can I talk to Lieutenant Wright?" We immediately turned around and were met with the admiral. "Admiral. Yes, sir." Marelli said as he left.

"I know you have corrective lenses, but we are short pilots to fly the jets. I have placed you on reassignment for the next long time. Training begins tomorrow in the F-35." His ear piercing voice uttered as he gave orders and left. My voice faded, "yes... sir." I was left alone in the corner. Sure I have always loved the idea of being able to fly a real jet, but I knew this most likely would end my life before I even got to fly one. This last commitment would most likely be the end of my life too. I would be taking my last breaths into an oxygen mask 10,000 feet above sea level. As my plane would get shot down I knew I couldn't surrender. That would be it. My last breath, the last beat of my heart, and the last time being airborne before my hand would lay to rest against the cold, hard ground below. I felt what was coming forth -my mind sensed it, my heart felt it, and my mind pondered it. The pain, the guilt, and the shame that I already had to endure was far worse than anything I have ever imagined.

I pressed my back against the wall and slowly slid down, hitting the concrete below. I sobbed into my knees remembering the past and my most happy moments. I was not ready to kiss it all goodbye. If I could get one more hug from Nick -one more kiss- I would be the happiest girl in the world. I knew I couldn't get it, it was simply too far gone. I never imagined I would have so much taken away from me in such a miniscule amount of time. My mind struggled to wrap itself around it. I would most likely be dead within the next couple of days. I took shallow breaths while attempting to calm myself down. It did not work -it only made it much worse. I wandered in curiosity about what it would feel like to die. I bet the pain is far greater than anything on this earth. I wondered about where Nick was in heaven. Everyday I would picture him in heaven, watching over me. The theory of him being my own guardian angel was the only way I could get myself to calm down to a good enough degree. I missed him and I missed my family. I missed those moments that brought real solitude to my life. I also missed flying for fun, not for war. The days where I wasn't crying were quite nice. On the other hand, those days were becoming increasingly more rare over time. Every time I would go to sit down I felt worse. The pain was just becoming too unbearable. I prayed everyday for Nick to come out of the rubble and help me, but there was nothing. I asked for Nick's warm embrace, but nothing again. I cried for his help, his presence, but again, nothing. There was nothing but dead silence.

These people fill my mind with false information, but it just makes me feel worse knowing that some of it may be true. They try to motivate me while others try to tear me down, but nothing works. I am simply just ready to surrender, surrender for good. Is he still out there? My mind thinks, but soon remembers that he is dead. My Nick is lying 6 feet under where he should not be. My Nicky baby is gone, taken from me. My family is gone, taken from me. I have no one. That is the period, the end of the story. I am only 18 and yet this is happening.

I took deep breaths as I slowly returned back to being able to hear the men chat. "Aww is the little girl crying?" one of the officers began to poke fun at me in the worst way possible. I turned to fear and irrational behavior. "Get away from me!" I yelled at the top of my lungs. "I don't want you here! I don't need you here! I am scared and sick!" I continued to yell. "Get away! I said, get away!" I buried myself against the wall the best I could. The tears stained my shirt and seared my skin. I was near passing out onto the cold, hard floor that sat beneath my bottom when I felt a pair of strong arms quickly pick me up. They brought me into a tight grasp. "Marion! You are not okay." the man said as he shook my half passed out body. "I can't do this anymore." was all I remember saying before passing out. Everything went black. I was getting used to this, used to the mockery, trickery, and the unknown. Maybe my fear of it all was for my own good.