take my hoodie ✓

thirty-four | stress

~no pov

Exams, mock exams, had started and were to last for the next week and a half, and the stress began to pile up. 

Harry was so afraid of failing, and Draco was afraid he'd never do well enough to please his father. They both needed to do well, but they both had internal issues that were messing up their focus.

Harry had everything on his mind- the abuse, the assault, the anorexia, the attempts, the self-harm. Everything. He had too much to think about and he was afraid to talk to Draco about it, in fear he was burdening the boy.

Draco was worried about not meeting standards, about his mother's abuse and was worried he'd end up stress-binging and purging after. He was also thinking about his attempt constantly, and could physically feel the nausea he felt last year.

To sum it up, both boys were incredibly fucking stressed, and both thought it would be a bad idea to talk about it to the other.

So they kept it bottled up all week until Friday night, when the stress was practically tearing both apart. They were lying down on the grass, as they've do every night, staring at the stars trying to ignore life.

For the past four days, it was fine, but today they just couldn't shake off the bad thoughts. 

"Are you okay?" 

That was code for I'm worried about you feeling the same way I do right now. 

Harry looked at the blond and admired his jawline before remembering to reply. "I'm fine."

Is that supposed to be some cry for help? Because no mentally stable person says they're fine and means it.

"Right, didn't know we were lying. In that case, same."

thank fucking god i needed him to ignite a feelings talk because i sure as hell wasn't going to.

"You've got shit on your mind too?"

Draco nodded, never taking his eyes off the stars. Every night he'd look at them, and it was a mystery how they would always be there. He couldn't remember the last time he saw a clear sky.

"What's up?"

The taller boy sighed and turned to face Harry, who was already facing him. "I guess I never fully thought about mocks, and that our GCSEs are actually so soon. Like, it's all so overwhelming, you know? I want to please my parents and do well for myself, to go somewhere in life. I don't want to be one of those boys who live off their daddy's money.

It's like, there's literal weights on my shoulders and embedded in my mind, and it's all so suffocating, and I can't breathe. And my stomach is constantly churning and I can't differentiate whether or not it's from the urge to binge, purge or just my anxiety."

Draco let out a breath of relief after that. He needed to vent so badly, and he knew Harry did too. "Your turn."

"I understand what you mean, with the butterflies in your stomach and the suffocating weights. It's like, what if I make one wrong move and my entire future is gone? You know? What if I make too many mistakes and get nowhere in life. I need to leave my house when I'm eighteen, but I can't do that without education.

Or maybe I can? But right now it feels like these mocks are going to be the end of the world as I know it if I don't do good enough. And then there's the constant fear that I'm never going to recover, or the desire to attempt again to avoid the exams, or-" 

Harry took a deep breath before chewing on his lips and blinking away the tears in his eyes. There was so much he wanted to say, like and if i fail my uncle will kill me, or im afraid that my assaulter will come back, or that someone will find out the stupid way i cope. 

It was so much to keep bottled, and because he had started to talk about things, keeping everything else hidden felt so much harder. But there was no way Draco Malfoy would understand every single thing that Harry Potter had been through.

So he kept silent, letting the extra weights press down on his chest and restrict his breathing, letting the clouds haze over his vision and letting the rocks crash and fall into his mind. 

He felt like he was dying.

"Hey, hey, Potter, are you okay?"

Harry didn't reply. It was like he had headphones plugged in, playing static noise, and hearing became slightly difficult. 

"Hey, hey, listen to me, okay, you're having a panic attack. You'll be okay, just listen to me, try to do what I'm telling you to."

The static noise began to fade, but only the noise. Harry simply nodded, trying to take control of himself. He knew how to get himself out of a panic attack, but his head was pounding and his mind wasn't functioning properly.

"I'm going to put your hand on my chest, and I'm going to need you to try match my breathing. Is that okay with you?"

Harry simply nodded again. It was all he could manage to do.

"Okay, okay, try and copy me, yeah?" Draco had started taking deep breaths so Harry could copy. "Open your eyes, Potter, tell me something you can see."

"I- I can't, Draco, I-"

"That's okay, don't panic, okay bad choice of words. What can you hear?"

Harry squeezed his eyes shut and tried to focus on everything but the weight on his chest. "Erm, the wind? A-And your voice, erm, and, uh, the birds?"

"That's great." Draco smiled. "You're doing so well, Potter, you're okay. What can you smell?"

"Er, grass? And your cologne. And apples and peppermint? Why do you smell like that?"

Draco laughed softly, knowing Harry was okay. "Just keep breathing at the same pace as me, Potter. You're okay."

Once Harry evened his breathing and opened his eyes, the rocks disappearing, the clouds fading and the weights lifting. "Thank you."

"No problem, Potter." The blond sat up and pulled Harry into his arms. "Whatever is bothering you, just know I'm always here. If you don't want to tell me, that's okay, but if you ever decide to, I'll listen."

"I know, I know." Harry sighed. "But some things take time. There's so much I've told you and I, I don't know, I'm just scared that it'll all bite me in the ass in future. Like what if you wake up one day and decide to tell everyone everything?"

Draco physically winced, and since he was leaning against his chest, Harry felt it. "I have the same fear sometimes, you know? It's completely natural to feel that way, cause I do too. But you have my word- I'll never tell anyone anything you've trusted me with. I promise. Malfoys never go back on their word."

Malfoys also never cry, show any form of weakness or show their real emotions. Malfoys wear masks. Malfoys are strong. Malfoys are flawless.

Draco wondered if he was really a Malfoy, considering he was flawed, weak and had shown his real emotions at least once. But though he doubted all that, he never doubted his loyalty. He would take Potter's secrets to his grave.

"I just need time, you know? I trust you, and you've given me no reason not to, but I just need some time anyway. It feels like we've shared too much despite not being close for that long."

The taller boy sighed. "It's okay, Potter. You don't have to tell me anything. It's understandable that you need time. I'll always be here regardless, okay? I promise."

I've told you everything.