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thirty-three | suicide

tw, lots of suicide talk 🤩

skip it all if it could be triggering 

vent chapter tbh

~no pov

Harry never wanted Draco to let go of him. His hands were cold, but felt warm, and they were soft despite his knuckles being slightly calloused. 

"You know, exactly a year ago, something really bad happened." 

Is it fair for me to tell him about this?

"I don't know if you'd understand. I really hope you won't."

there are many things you could say that i'd understand, draco

"Can I tell you about it?"

"Of course."

Draco sighed. "I've never told anyone this."

"Whatever you tell me, it's safe." Harry would never forget Draco telling him he was safe with him. "It's safe with me."

safe is with me 😭😭😭

"I, well, last year- last year my father hurt my mother pretty bad. She was asleep the entire day, and I constantly checked to make sure she was alive. Her pulse was slow, and I almost took her to hospital. My father forbid me to, but I was willing to break the rules.

And then she woke up in the evening, told me she'd be okay and to let her rest. I was afraid for her, but she locked the door and told me to leave her alone.

It hurt. I wanted her to leave, to leave with me. I wondered why she wouldn't, and later it made sense. She never left for me. She stayed this entire time for me. So my life wouldn't be disrupted. 

I would've packed my shit and moved anywhere for her, but she didn't know that. She thought she was keeping me safe, but she was hurting us both.

I realised that if I wasn't-" He stopped. "Are you sure you're okay with me dumping this on you?"

"You're not dumping anything on me, I promise."

Draco wondered if Harry would ever understand how much simple words of reassuring meant to him. "I realised my mother would be free if I wasn't with her."

Harry frowned. He knew where this was going. He'd done what Draco was implying multiple times in his short but not short enough life.

The blond grimaced at the look on Harry's face. "So I tried to kill myself."

It was done. The damage was done. The words had been spilled, and could never be taken back. Draco was afraid, he was so fucking afraid. Had he done the right thing, by telling Harry? Or would this be a mistake. 

They'd not been friends for long, but somehow it felt like they had. The secrets shared between them made their bond strong, and made it seem as though they'd been close forever. 

Reality check, it had been a month or so of serenity between them, and Draco was now internally panicking about it. Trust requires more time than this, right?

"Oh, Draco." Harry grabbed Draco's hand and rubbed his calloused knuckles.

The younger Malfoy simply frowned. "I failed, if you couldn't tell. But exactly a year ago, I went to sleep after taking twenty-three paracetamol tablets. Yeah, I know it wasn't much but it was all I could find at the time. I went to sleep hoping I wouldn't wake up, thinking I'd do the world a favour by leaving.

Back then, I found taking pills really easy, and I sometimes didn't even need anything to down them with. Now, I can barely go near them, let alone take any. If I try, I'll feel sick, because the day after, I woke up early and felt sick. And for the entire day, I just threw up over and over.