APART (S.M)

part 25

Molly Pov

Austin has been spam texting me with apologies, Sam has been spam texting me for awnser's and Shawn has been spam texting me with question's. a few months ago i was a girl who got stood up and left in the rain and today i have 3 different guy's who want me. Although Austin isn't really someone i want. eventually i will have to be honest with sam because i can't keep running away from it forever and with Shawn, god i don't even know what to do about Shawn, I don't know how to say no to Shawn, i also don't know how to keep being strong and not fall for him. 

life on tour has been crazy, new city basically every day but i am really proud of Shawn, he constantly keep's saying that he is happy to have me with him this time around but i can still see on his face that he is only doing this because he feels as though he has too. I miss home though, i miss Lucy and the other flat girl's. i miss Sam and Parker. but i just have to keep reminding myself that i am doing this for my future. 

I'm sitting on the roof of the hotel in Paris, the view is incredible. i needed space to breathe and be by myself, i tend to lock myself away when thing's get to much instead of confiding in people, i don't want to make myself look weak or selfish. because i do have a great life and i am so lucky to be in this situation but i can't help but feel sad and overwhelmed. 

Shawn keep's asking about my parent's. but i'm not ready to talk about them yet and i don't think i ever will. I feel as though i don't even have parent's. they disowned me on my 18th birthday, so exactly a year ago. Instead of taking over the family buisness i decided to move to Auckland and study for a degree, that isn't what they wanted from me, which is so weird because wouldn't every parent want their daughter to go to university and study? They said that if i walked out those doors and flew to Auckland they would never talk to me again, and they haven't, they have stuck to their word pretty well i'll give them that. 

Every two month's in my life i reach a breaking point, and it is a consequence of not speaking about my feelings and not reaching out for help and trying to deal with everything on my own. today i could feel the mental breakdown coming, it's like a birthday present to myself unfortunately. I haven't told anyone about my birthday, I could care less about people knowing, i can't deal with the attention, especially with how i'm feeling, if one person awe's over me i might just break down in tear's, i'm not putting myself through that. 

"hey what are you doing up here?" i hear a calming voice say behind me as i feel there presence get closer. i turn my head around slowly to see Shawn standing behind me rocking back and forth on his heel's with his hand's in his pocket.

"Just thinking" i mumbled then shrugged my shoulder's as i turned my head back around to look at the view, Shawn didn't say anything, he just came and sat next to me. after a comfortable 10 second silence and a kiss from Shawn on my head he spoke again. 

"I want you back Molly, will you be mine again?" i looked over to him and he was blushing as if he was embarrassed but in a sweet way. 

"no" i said blankly, go me. his eyes went wide and his mouth went ajar. 

"what? why not? i thought things were good again?" he was word vomiting, he was speaking really fast and i could tell he was becoming anxious. which was kinda cute. 

"they are. i do want to be with you, but i can't"  i stuttered with the last three word's, i know he is going to ask why, i don't want to go into the cliche details about how i need to love myself before i can love anybody else but i may have too.

"why cant you molly, that is ridiculous" he scoffed clearly annoyed by what i had just said. 

"because" a single tear fell from the corner of my eye "i come with a lot of baggage, and i don't want you having to worry about me with everything else" 

he grabbed me and pulled me close into him, running his fingers through my hair and kissing the top of my head. best birthday gift honestly, him running his fingers through my hair. 

"i appreciate you worrying about me moll's" he chuckled, then pushed me back slightly so we were making direct eye contact "but i want you, all the strings attached" he ran his thumb over my check and just smiled softly which made me feel so comfortable and safe.

"if we are doing this again, i want this to be real, i don't want to be hurt again" i whispered to him, slightly embarrassed that i confessed he hurt me and that i wasn't the bad bitch i made myself look. 

"i promise you molly, i am all in this time" 

then he leaned in a kissed me, i was kissing Shawn Mendes in front of the Eiffel tower on top of a roof in Paris. it was the most beautiful, comforting kiss i had ever had and honestly felt like the realist kiss with Shawn i had ever had. i think this time everything was going to be different. we both leant out of the kiss and smiled at eachother. 

"best birthday ever" i whispered to him while smiling like an absolute dork.

"are you kidding me? it's your birthday?" Shawn gasped. 

oh no.