The Dysfunction Of Evan: Books 1-3 Collection

74. Things to contemplate

Holly insisted on buying what we needed to furnish the flat. Even mine and the twins' room. His argument of defense was that after I moved out, my room would become a guest room, and since he was the twins' godfather, it only made sense that they had their own room. I couldn't fault his logic, so I let him have his way.

We spent three days moving everything in and unpacking. Tom helped, though I could tell he didn't really want to. He'd asked me at least twice if I was sure this was the step I wanted to take. I had to reitterate that while it wasn't what I wanted to do, it was something I had to do for myself. Just a little break. The day we decided the flat was done and ready to be lived in, Holly offered to stay with the twins so Tom and I could have the first night to ourselves.

We ordered in and watched TV while we waited for dinner to arrive. It was an odd silence between us. Tom was stiff as he held me against him on the couch, his sentences in what little conversation we had were short. He wasn't happy, but I could tell he was trying hard to be supportive.

I knew he'd had a several hours long conversation with Franny about the situation, and he didn't seem to like what she had to say about the subject. Not that he had told me anything about it. I'd passed by the office and over heard him on the phone, he'd said her name. I'd glanced in as I stepped by the door, and he'd looked up at me. As I turned into the nursery, I heard the office door close. I wasn't allowed to know what he'd discussed with her, that much was made very clear. I had to remind myself that we were allowed to have our secrets.

When dinner arrived, we ate at the table in strained silence. I had a strong feeling that there would be no sex tonight, if he even stayed until morning. He was allowed to be upset. If the roles were reversed, I'd be angry too. We were married, in love. We built a life together, we had a family. I was supposed to be home, I was supposed to be by his side. I was his partner, and I was letting him down.

It was too late for me to change my mind about being a parent, I loved my children and I'd died for them. I wanted them. I wanted to be their mother. Leaving Tom wasn't an option either. I loved him too much, we'd come too far together for me to just walk away. None of this was about that, it was simply about me just needing to find my peace with everything, and being home was too overwhelming.

I still wasn't over my meltdown six months ago. Being abused at the hospital hadn't helped either, but it had caused a change. I realized I needed to be more self-reliant and proactive about my mental health. I didn't want to ever be out of control again. Tom would leave, and he'd take my children with him. He wouldn't leave because he stopped loving me, he would leave because he loved our children. They deserved a mother who was better than what I had been so far. I wanted to be that for them.

Tom also deserved a better wife than what I'd been. I'd failed him in so many ways, I'd made him question my love for him and my reasons for being with him. He shouldn't have to wonder where he stood in my life.

Over the summer, I felt like I'd lost everything. I hadn't, and now I had to make sure I didn't. The only reason I still had everything was because Tom gave me a second chance, one I didn't deserve. I had to make sure the chance wasn't wasted, because I knew if I lost him, if I lost my children, I'd never recover. I had to make sure that I was in a place where I didn't need him by my side every second to be happy and stable. Thats why I needed to do this. I just didn't know how to explain it to him. Franny clearly hadn't had much luck trying to explain on my behalf.

"What are you thinking about?" I asked. My food was half gone. He looked up at me from his plate.

"I was thinking how good this pasta is." He said. I rolled my eyes.

"That's not what I meant."

"I'm not going to be able to talk you out of this plan of yours, so this no point in saying whats on my mind." He snipped.