The Dysfunction Of Evan: Books 1-3 Collection

52. Reclaiming

I sat there in shame. Tom had been silent for well over five minutes. I knew what I'd done was wrong, I hated that I'd done it. Well, it wasn't so much what I had done, more what I had let happen. Jay's idea of comforting me had been to kiss me, caress me. To touch me in places only Tom should be touching. That's how our friendship had always been. I didn't encourage Jay that night, but I didn't stop him, either. It wasn't that I wanted him to touch me, I didn't know how to say no. The few times I'd ever said no to Jay, save for the day I ended our affair, he didn't listen. He liked to cross the boundaries I'd set, because he knew that I wanted him. He was used to me wanting him, because until Tom, I'd always wanted him.  

With a deep sigh, he got up. I didn't look at him, I just sat and stared at his empty chair at the dining table. He came back with two tumblers of Jameson. He placed one in front of me and reclaimed his seat, taking a long sip of his. He all but slammed his glass on the table. 

"I'm not going to see him again." I muttered. I wasn't sure if he heard me. "I've removed him from my life." 

He fingered his glass with both hands, then leaned back in his chair, slumping down. I felt his knees knock into mine. 

"I'm trying to decide if what he did was assault." He said with a long sigh. "You said you didn't want it to happen. I believe you, Astrid." 

I felt a weight off my shoulders when he said that. I didn't think Jay had assaulted me, though. He was behaving like he normally did with me. I had no control with Jay. It was one of the reasons I'd been so attracted to him. I liked not having to think about what was happening, to just give in to what my body wanted. Telling that to Tom, though, didn't help the current situation. 

"Jesus fuck." He said, running a hand through his hair. "You're ideas of consent and non-consent are rather fucked up at times, Astrid." 

I sat in silence, not sure what to say. 

"I know you don't want to think it, because he's your friend, or was; but it's perfectly reasonable to say he assaulted you. You didn't want him touching you, I don't give a shit how your body reacted, you didn't want him to touch you. You thought in your head 'this is not what I want'."

"I didn't say no. I didn't tell him to stop. I let him do it, Tom. At no point in time did I tell him what he was doing was not okay." I said defensively. "I told you when we first started dating, that I thought the idea of non-verbal withdrawal of consent was a grey area. This is it. I didn't move away, I didn't fight him off. He had no clue that I didn't want him touching me. That's how I've always been with him." 

"Astrid, that's fucked up." He said, reaching for his glass. He took another sip of his drink and put the now empty glass back on the table. "I know you can be a rag doll, but at least I know when you aren't interested. It's really not that hard to tell. When your being a rag doll, and you're all in, it's in your eyes, it's in the way you moan. The way your muscles move, trying to hold me inside you. When your not interested, it's clear as day." 

I shifted. I moved my gaze from him to my glass, which I hadn't touched. 

"I know when we're having sex and you're simply doing it because it's what I want. I wouldn't even call you a rag doll. You're completely checked out, that's why I don't keep going. All of your responses are manual, and they feel disconnected. The biggest hint that that you keep you're eyes closed." He leaned forward and grabbed my hands. "Astrid, I can see how it can be hard for people to read you, but when it comes to sex, you're like a children's book. If someone can't see that you're not welcome to whats going on, they are the biggest idiot in the world. Jay is smart enough to see, he just doesn't care." 

I pulled away from him and got up. I went over to the glass door that lead to the balcony and leaned against it, looking out on the city. 

"I think you just don't want to believe that I cheated on you." I said. He scoffed.