In Plain Sight

16. It's Cracking

POV: Sam

I woke up the next morning and Kelly was snuggled into me snoring softly and I couldn't help but smile. I brushed her hair out of her face and saw her sleeping peacefully. I stayed like that for a few minutes just thinking about what our future holds. Is there even a future if she is J.R? Does she want a future with me? We are in deep now, I don't know if we can just drop it and go our separate ways. I can't just drop it, I don't want to.

If I stay with her knowing what I know, what does that say about me? I have always prided myself on being about the law and what is right. I agreed to work in law enforcement because I believed in doing the right thing. Here I am conflicted and in a situation I never imagined, my mind and heart are at loggerheads. 

Yesterday I told her that I loved her and that I would choose her over my job. She didn't look convinced but there was something else there. Almost like she didn't think she was important to me or that I would sacrifice her to save myself or my job. "Who hurt you, beautiful?" I said softly while caressing her shoulder.

Sunday was an easy day. We spent it together without any fighting. That night we made dinner and sat in my backyard to enjoy it.

"Why did you think I would choose my job over you?" I finally asked the question that has been burning me and her fork stopped mid-air and she put it back in her plate. This question has been swirling in my head not only because I want an answer from her but an answer from myself. 

Would I really choose her over my job?

"In this world Sam, I'm a realist and your job is a big part of you. It's important to you to keep it and your integrity. You may hesitate but you would sacrifice me." She stated like it was a matter of fact and looked me straight in the eyes.

"That's ridiculous and you know it."

"Maybe it's ridiculous right now but I think we both know the truth. It will start small and before you know it...you're rushing home one day because you have unknowingly said too much to your colleagues and I'm running out of time."

"Kelly I..."

"Sam why do you think I have not told you any details? Or given you any insight into what I do or how I do it?"

I stayed quiet just looking at her. Is she right? I want to believe she's not. Who am I? How am I sitting here thinking about compromising what I stand for? What I wake up every morning to fight for?
I shook my head encouraging her to continue speaking.

"I don't want to put you in an impossible position. You already said I complicate your life. By giving you details of what I do, you will lose your ability to say you don't know anything. You will be forced to lie and you may flinch...one day"

"Plausible deniability." I said and she nodded. No prosecutor or judge will buy that. How can I, an FBI agent, be with a woman for so long and not know such an integral truth about her? I mean I can swear up and down the street that I knew nothing but it would just end up making me look like a liar and a naïve agent.

I took a deep breath. "What if your life is in danger? How will I protect you if I don't know where to start?"

"Right now, there's no danger, but you can protect me by not revealing my identity or investigating it."

"What about Ramirez or whoever the guy in our custody is? What if Jackson shows him a photo of you?"

"Me and Ramirez are good. He won't say anything. Besides whoever is in your custody will not say anything either."

"Okay, but if Jackson asks for you by name? Then what?"

"Then nothing. He won't say anything. Should he go back to his boss Ramirez and ask about my name, then I trust Ramirez to deal with it." She shrugged like it's nothing.