and i'm jealous of her, is that so hard to admit? I'M JEALOUS OF HER.
I mean, you abandon me for years straght with no explanation, and then you show up with this brand new best friend? FUCK YOU. I HOPE YOU FALL IN LOVE WITH HER. I HOPE SHE LOVES YOU TOO. I HOPE YOU DATE. I HOPE YOU MARRY HER. I HOPE SHE CHEATS. I HOPE IT ALL SLOWLY FALLS APART. I HOPE SHE DIVORCES YOU AND HATES YOUR GUTS FOREVER SEEING HOW MUCH MORE YOU FUCKING LOVE HER.
I want to set you on fire. I want to cry in your arms and your arms only.
and she acts exactly like me when i was severely suicidal and manic all through 2020, which only makes me think maybe you liked me better when you could save me. when i saw you as god because all the logical parts of my brain were rotting away.
is she funnier than me? more entertaining? better taste of revenge? more loyal than me? is this a punishment? do you hate me? I'm sorry if maybe i didn't live up to the person i was supposed to grow into with you and that's why you replaced me. everytime she touches your hands i want to scream, and everytime she looks at you i want to scratch my eyes out, and how dare she bring up taking you away from me? I'll kill her for that, little wanna-be-bug.
but nobody asked for that, i myself didn't even ask for that. all these emotions make me feel disgusted at myself and the world around me. I wonder if my dad felt this way with all my mom's other friends when he was young too, but my parents aren't exactly the best thing to hold our relationship up to, huh?
I'll get better. I'm determined to. I'm manic right now and i'm aware but neglected to tell you, i'm just so angry at everything and everyone and sad all the time.
don't ever bring this up. this is a moment of episodic vulnerability i'm only letting you see because i promised to stop hiding, the parts of my bipolar that get much worse than this
I'm trusting you with me, all of you. Please be kind.
