and to be honest, I think nothing in the world would heal me more than to be a good parent.
to hold a child in my arms through all of their growth and love them the way I could have never imagined being loved as a child
to be the overprotective father who goes against all for my kid, to have the empathy and compassion of a mother, to stand on top of the world with someone I'm helping raise on my shoulders, and to protect them from the world in a way they deserve rather than an overbearing or neglectful way.
while I dreamt of being told I was adopted out to a nicer family as a kid, I hope my own will dream of ruling the world. of unicorns and puppies traveling through space. lay down your tired head and dream of a world where you can eat all the sweets you want and never have a tummy ache, unlike your daddy did at your age.
sometimes, though, I wonder if I'd ever be good enough anyways. will I struggle to connect to a child like I have with everyone else in my life? nevermind that I can only connect with animals and children- it worries me anyways that I could ruin another innocent growing human the same way my parents accidentally hurt me.
I don't know if I'll ever have the courage to be your daddy. I don't know where in the world you are right now, but I hope you forgive me for how much I'll mess up in my youth to make things perfect for you. and if I ruin us the same way grandpa and grandma ruined me, swear the pits of hell open up and drag me down with the rest of my family.
I hope I'll be a good enough daddy for you. You won't exist for years and I love you already.
