I want to be a parent.
I know, I may not exactly be the person you look for when you imagine a loving parent. maybe you even see me as the abusive, abrasive parent that you'd expect to raise a child exactly like myself, and I hope I'm not that.
I want to hold life itself and kiss them on the forehead straight out of the womb. I want to waste every single night of my life attending to the cries and screams of something I myself made. I want to hold creation's hand and cry as I send them off to kinder, 4th grade, 8th grade, 10th, and then cry even harder when I'm attending creation's highschool graduation.
I want to yell and scream and run to our rooms, crying into our individual pillows about how annoying the other can be sometimes and how they just don't understand, and then apologize later with tears and shared orange slices before continuing our lives together
I want to tell love no to getting extra cookies and cake after dessert has finished and see my own pouty face in a different body reflected at me
I want to watch adoration cry on their bed at their first heartbreak wether it be in love or friendship and tell them "I know, I know. I've been through this too. now it's my turn to help you through yours."
I want to watch a tiny, messy human being learning to be a person call me dad. and splatter the dark hardwood floors of my heart with bright painted footsteps. and to yell at me like they've just discovered they have a voice when we get upset over the little things. and I want to stroke their hair when they sleep, wishing nothing but the best for them. I want them to always find comfort and love in dad's bed, even if he's not in it, even if he's not around anymore. I want to see them eyeroll and snicker at my bad jokes. I want to get mad at them for breaking precious memories from unimportant people while playing tag and then apologize later because in that moment, nothing and nobody is more important than them. I want to turn into the mcdonalds drive thru and watch them cheer for joy in the backseat. I want to reprimand them lovingly for bad grades because dad did terribly in school and he doesn't want that for you too
I don't know you yet, but I promise I already love you. I hope when we do meet I'll be everything you need and more. I'll attend every game and recital. I'll bandaid and kiss every scrape. I'll help you discover what it means to live and love. I'll giggle as you stumble through life and tell you that's just the way it goes, and that I was the one stumbling too, but with nobody to hold me through it.
and I will hold you through it.
this world is so lonely without you now, but just give me time to fix it. for you. and then one day I'll give it to you, and I'll leave this world, and you'll be just fine.
I love you. I need time.
