often I find myself scrolling through Facebook for hours just to find and stare at pictures of my parents when they were younger, right before they had me
they were so youthful. so bright. they looked like children at just 18 and 19. a picture of my mother pregnant with me still makes her look so young. a picture of my father holding me at 2 or 3 in a pool still paints his face full of youth
I came in at the wrong time. had I been born with them, I think my parents would have been great people to me. I think they might have even been the best of friends to me. in their younger pictures I truly see the people they pretend they still are shine through so brightly I just can't help but be sad at them
and then I came in. and...god. if 2 people were more not ready for parenthood it was them. I also often think about going back in time and letting them know I was their future son. and I imagine they'd look me in the eyes and tell me "you are the perfect mix of us both. you are beautiful. tell us, how were we as parents to you?"
I think about what I would say. you should abort me while you still can. before I'm even born you'll suffer 3 horrible losses with me. I don't have a single good memory in my entire 18 years of knowing you too. I look at you in my own time and want nothing more than to punch you in the face for all that you did to me, for all that you LET others do to me too
I don't say any of it. I caress the faces of people I know but don't really know and I tell them "you did good with what you did have and know, and though it wasn't the best all the time, I respect you for trying at all."
why?
why don't I scream and cry in fury all the ways they've wronged me, hurt me, neglected and abused me? I don't forgive them at ALL, I'll cut them off when I make my own money and have my own home, why can't I shout it from the rooftops into their faces?
because when I look at my parents at any age I don't see my parents. I don't even see people I know. I see 2 abused kids who became parents too early and all I can manage to feel is pity. they're not ready. I'm not either
hi, mom and dad. I don't know what else to say
but can you kiss my forehead and tell me good luck with life, just this once?
