I feel...hesitant. there always needed to be a barrier between my friend groups and my precious friends and god, they can NEVER interact. NEVER meet. it doesn't just apply to me, I am of a certain demographic of someone's heart and I should NOT be introduced to another friend from another part lest I learn to hate you to your core
it's not like I want to be unbearably sick and anxious everytime my friends meet, not like I WANT to despise any shared characteristics of the two groups.
a while ago, there was this friend group. so far from perfect they were practically the dictionary definition of imperfect. absolutely no issue with that, but things happened. and everytime you meet one of my friends all I remember is sobbing on your bedroom floor, being made fun of for being friends with you, and you turned away from me. good fucking grief, you turned away. you once said you didn't care for anyone or anything that didn't directly affect you and many years later I remembered it. it's why I have always made myself small and perfect to keep what remaining good opinion you have of me
and those girls, they are the best group I had so far. to suggest we all get matching keychains after we'd already lost a huge part of us? I could have just screamed in store. I could have just screamed and yelled and you don't GET to pick the bunny keychain, that was F's thing.....
and god, I am damaged goods, I am used goods, and I will turn sour if either side learns to love the opposite side over me. I am supposed to be everyone's precious boy. I'm supposed to be loved worldwide because I beat myself with a hammer to be little enough to be adored. what happens when I am just perfectly human and imperfect?
how do I move on and learn it's okay for worlds to mix?
why did you turn away from me that night, and every other night too, for years?
...I am my father's daughter. do you have a gun on hand? (I will fix myself one way or another, gentle or bloodied, I will make myself small again.)
