you never know which exact words that come out of your mouth affect people. it's not like we intentionally do this, but it can really hurt people anyways
my whole life I've been seen as...too much. dark. aggressive. they told me my tone is too stern, my face is too angry, and even the best of my actions people have ran to defend with the words "he's just like that. That's just Bug. he doesn't mean it"
I don't want to be that person. I want to be kind and soft too. and I know I am, but it feels like the wrong people are seeing me.
maybe I'm just deaf, dumb, and blind. I know people love me, but they're very bad at expressing it, and it makes me want to push them as far out of my grip as possible. I want someone who's openly affectionate, who doesn't feel the need to convince others I am good, who won't completely understand me and not run away from it. my entire life, people have treated me as a game to be played, or a puzzle to be solved, and that's just not me. everything I am is already laid out directly in front of you. you have all the answers to my heart before you even meet me.
you're just more interested in the idea of me than actually getting to know me
I'm rambling. I don't know. I think I'm going to leave people that make me feel a certain way
I had a dream I had to clean out a light pink coffin. and it was empty, but it was mine, not in the way you'd think. I cope with core changes to who I am as a person by holding little funerals for past versions of me. I'll dress them all nicely, brush their hair one last time, lay them so kindly in a personalized coffin, clasp my hands together in a prayer and wish them well on wherever they go.
I think the dream meant it's about time another version of me is laid to rest. maybe it's the brash, the dark, the bold one that everyone still thinks I am. maybe that's why I'm suddenly so uncomfortable being viewed this way.
gentle, that's the only word I have to describe the person I'm stepping into now. very very gentle. and like all the light and life has been put back into someone.
I don't know what to do now. I hope the people in my life can catch up with my change
