Bug/bug boy- current nickname
Princess- childhood nickname, now retired
as a kid, I felt like...I was the potential half of a person. not someone entirely here. not someone entirely real. it was upsetting, constantly, and it only got worse when I went through a female puberty
I'd describe my own trans experience as like...being asleep. for a REALLY long time. Whoever Bug was, he was wrapped snug in blankets, head against a pillow in the back of my head, and he snoozed the years away. Princess stepped in, but she didn't entirely feel like a person, just a temporary employee so the body doesn't look completely insane while it's true owner is napping peacefully, or on a vacation
I had no problem dressing in feminine clothing, but it felt like at that moment it didn't fit me right. femininity was my dad's shirts as a kid- way too big on me, the collar sagging and sat mid chest on me, the hem of the shirt around my ankles, the sleeves nearly entirely covering my arms. like in a way it was mine but I wasn't big enough for it yet
I had no problems with my birth name either. It's a nice name, a pretty name for a pretty girl. a kind girl. a girl. I wasn't any of those, and I knew it! it's something I say a lot. too ugly a girl to love and too pretty a boy to kiss. I was an ugly, ugly girl, with a name that made me shine like a precious gem...till you realize it's just costume jewelry with a pretty top coat
I especially had no problems making friends with or relating to any girls. if anything, to this day I struggle severely to tolerate any boys at all, and I always heavily preferred to be hand in hand with all my lady or not-a-girl friends. so, me being trans felt like...a complete blind spot! the biggest head spin in history! I loved everything feminine, from my clothes and makeup to my friends and the colour pink, why was I cursed in this way?!?
something just felt wrong. my entire life, I felt like I was waiting for someone else to step in for me. when I started questioning my gender identity in 7th grade, aged 12, Bug woke up. and he cried and he cried and he cried, and locked himself in a big metal lockbox in my heart, and went back to sleep the moment he couldn't be seen again. I knew how people at my school and in my life would react to it, would treat me, I'd already seen it plenty...and I was getting tons of shit for being an ugly, masculine gay girl. the L word! they made up hurtful nicknames for me and harassed me online to the point I nearly had to file restraining orders. They made fun of me for being "in love" with my best friend, and I could tell it hurt them too. wasn't necessarily nice for the rest of my middle school years.
I was scared, constantly. I woke someone I wasn't supposed to and he reacted BADLY. even my own 7th grade boyfriend told me at the time...I told him over text, "I think about my gender a lot, since you came out as trans. I wonder if I'm genderfluid. I'd want top surgery"
he texted back "oh, Princess. don't worry. you'd actually need something to remove there to have top surgery"
it was a dumb comment. me and my friends were stupid kids with little understanding of the world, but the smallest things like that stuck with me forever. I don't remember any of the horrendous bullying, the suicide attempts, the complete freak out and lock up of who I am, I only remember instances of my friends turning away when I admitted I needed them. That was the most hurtful thing I'd ever experienced
Bug didn't sleep well, those 4 years. kicked and turned and cried from the lockbox. it sounded and felt constantly like he was suffocating, like he was drowning, even...and Princess was too terrified to open the box and help. endless nights did they listen to each other cry from wherever they sat individually, in my heart and head.
COVID HIT!! as every story nowadays goes. it was a hard transition, and I spent my 15th birthday terrified in those first 2 uncertain weeks. yeah, my birthday was just 2 weeks after a worldwide mandate had shut us inside...but something great happened. I downloaded tiktok that year, and...BAM! a whole load of openly queer content, stories, discovery, pride, online friends and virtual rallies... I'd been to a pride parade before and I always knew I was queer, but to have a pool of friends united by self acceptance and tons of info on gender and sexuality right at my fingertips, it became way less scary to open up.
so I did. Princess travelled to the very back of my heart, kicked and scratched open that lockbox, and Bug came tumbling out like the toys in your childhood closet that have been long abandoned by now. and we stared. and we hugged. and we cried, harder than anything. All those years of feeling like a crumb of a person, of feeling like I was permanently asleep, of feeling WRONG- it was over. he was here, and Princess could retire her role and fade into but a name with a few memories tied to it, and it was my turn.
I've been out as trans and living as male for 3 full years now, and soon it'll be 4. I've also been entirely self-harm clean for 3 going on 4 years. everything has been rough lately, but I wanted to remember and write about how something as simple as coming out both affected me over the years and saved my life when I was ready to. I've got great friends and family, and I feel like a full person, but still a baby! I've barely started my journey in life, and it's a relief to remember. I hope you like this one, cause writing it was a LOT of mixed feelings, but I love it nontheless
