I Do What I Do » John Taylor

XVI

"I...um," I stutter. Any trace of thought has left me. "How you huh?" I ask breathlessly. My heartbeat quickens.

He steps closer. "Erin...I've tried so hard to deny myself. My feelings. I've done everything in my power, yet at the end of the day, I ended things with Janine because of you. And sure— of course, I felt bad. But you and I both know why we're not still engaged."

My mouth falls slightly agape. He's confessing. Fuck, he's confessing!

"The whole thing was a lie from the beginning. I only asked her to convince her, and quite frankly myself, that I did love her. But I didn't," he continues. "Even now I've held back out of respect for you. I couldn't bare the thought of telling you about the cocaine because I was scared of what you'd think of me."

"John...I could never think any sort of low of you," I respond softly, shaking my head.

He takes a deep breath. "I was trying my best to hold back. But all it took was seeing you in that dress to make the decision for me. You look...beautiful."

A tear runs down my cheek. "John," I choke on my words, "I can't just...I can't just be another model to you. If I get hurt It'll ruin me. And as much as it pains me to say...I can't rule that possibility out."

He nods. "I know," he whispers. "But you're not. I could've broken up with her for you earlier. I should've."

"I wouldn't have let you."

"I shouldn't have been with her in the first place having felt the way I did about you even then. I tried. I honestly did. Because I knew that if I pursued you I'd just hurt you like everyone else," he explains sincerely.

"So what makes it different now?" I question.

"I've come to realize that I care far too much about you to hurt you like that. I still kick myself for what happened the night you found out," he admits. His eyes become glossy as he speaks. "I can't lose you over my own stupidity in the past."

I sigh and run a hand through my hair.

"I want to be more than whatever we are now...but the choice is completely yours," he tells. "I'll understand if you don't want to."

Fuck. What do I do? It shouldn't be a hard decision, but it is. All I've wanted for weeks, months even, was for this very thing to happen. Who am I kidding? I've wanted it since the day I met him. I shouldn't accept it, though. I should turn him away. It's so fucking hard to do it, but it's the moral thing to do, right?

I open my mouth to say no and put everything behind me. Except nothing ends up coming out.

Fuck morals.

"I want to," I respond clearly. "I wanna try this out. Try us."

His eyebrows raise slightly. "You do?" he asks, a smile slowly creeping up on his face.

I nod.

He rubs a hand down his face. "Can I kiss you?"

My voice lowers to a whisper. "Yeah," I smile.

He steps closer so that he's looking right down at me, and I can feel my heart beating out of my chest. "You have...no idea how long I've wanted to do this."

"Me too."

He brings his hands up and cups the sides of my face with them. Slowly, he leans down and gently presses his lips to mine.

Without hesitation I kiss him back, wrapping my arms around his neck as his own move around my waist. He's gentle and patient, holding me close to him. I let my hands roam through his hair slowly, pouring all of my pent-up feelings for him into the kiss.