I Do What I Do » John Taylor

XXV

April 9th, 1984

John and I have plans to go out for dinner tonight. He's been super anxious for the past few days. Duran Duran's next concert is in three days. The special thing about this one? They're filming it.

Three shows will be in Oakland, California. The 12th, 13th, and 15th. I'm stoked. So are the guys. They're going to have a whole team working on filming the shows, and then once it's done, they're gonna use the footage and edit it down to the best parts. Then they're gonna have a full concert video. I think I remember someone mentioning airing it on television!

They're also turning it into a documentary. For the past few weeks, they've been filming some footage of the guys living their lives when they're not on stage. If I'm not mistaken, I think I even made the cut for a clip or two. There are going to be some clips of the crew setting up for the shows and all of the behind-the-scenes type stuff. It's going to be so cool. If I remember correctly, it'll be called Sing Blue Silver. You know, after the lyric in the song...and the tour name.

In full honesty, I think it's amazing. This could get them even bigger...somehow...I love it either way. It'll give people something to watch years in the future when they're older or inactive. It'll show what they were like— what music was like. The process behind it. The passion behind it. And there, right on everyone's screens, will be my favorite person in the world.

Excitedly, I begin to get ready. With the money I've received from my shoots, I've been able to buy new clothes in the places we go. I'm not nearly popular enough to be noticed, thankfully. Fame is scary— I've seen it firsthand, and it isn't desirable 100% of the time.

Anywho, I found this gorgeous sweater about a month back. We were in Massachusetts at the time. It's a beautiful shade of emerald green. Rog told me that it complimented my eyes when I showed him. I put down a good chunk of money on it, but I think it was well worth it. I decide to wear the sweater with a pair of nice dress pants and a belt.

I slip the sweater on, tuck it into the pants, then secure the belt. I quickly scrunch and tease my hair before spraying it with my Aqua Net. Need a new can, actually. I lightly touch up my makeup and put on all of my jewelry, John's bracelet and necklace included. I don't think I've gone a day without wearing that "E" pendant in...months?

Looking back on it makes me think. Wonder, even. It was quite the romantic gift to give to a girl you know so little. Maybe he really did have feelings for me then. I know I had mine. I mean fuck, I almost kissed him that night. I just didn't want to believe it, you know? I felt like it would've been impossible. Especially with a reputation like his. I think that's another reason why I tried so hard to resist. And boy, did he prove me wrong.

I feel like I could've avoided all of the drama by doing something that night, though. Had I kissed him it might've made us both realize a hell of a lot sooner. All of that considered, I don't think I would change my decision to stop before it was too late. Sure, it would've helped me then, but what would it have made me? Just like everyone else, maybe. I knew he was in a relationship. I couldn't ever, in good conscience, help him cheat...especially with me. I would've been a hypocrite.

I think, in a way, that it helped. Helped us build a bond, I mean. Just think about it— neither of us wanted to ruin what we had, I didn't want to help him hurt another girl, lots of things. It was impossible in our eyes. But that's what made the feelings grow. At least for me. By the time he'd proposed to Janine I thought it was too late, and little did I know that he'd felt the same. Maybe not admittedly, but still...Maybe we would've gotten together had we kissed. I don't think it would've lasted, though. It wouldn't have been genuine. I wouldn't have been able to handle the guilt of how it started. And I think that John would've thought differently of me. I wanted to be genuine. I knew that, if we did get together, it would be fair and clean. Like it should always be. But I digress.