our daughter (marina fanfic)

Chapter 24

I wasn't sure of what to do next. I thought once I started recovering, the voice would go away. And I was so relieved when it finally did. I wasn't prepared for it to come back. It just had started to quiet down. I didn't know if I should tell my moms. As awful as I felt restricting and not eating, a reminder of the voice was addicting. I didn't want to go back, but I felt it sneakily affect me. I felt at crossroads. I knew I would start to slip up if I didn't tell anyone about this. So after mom and I got back to the hotel, I decided to do something I always did when I didn't know what to do, text Andy. 

"Tia, something happened"

"What mija? Are you okay?"

"The voice came back"

"What voice?"

"Ugh, the ed-voice. I finally got to slowly start exercising again and I went for a light run with mom. I managed for about two miles before the voice came back. Tia, it told me to keep on running, to not give up, to just push through the exhaustion. I tried to shake it off but it didn't leave me alone. And then I had a panic attack"

"Have you told your moms?"

"No, not yet. I don't know if I should. If I do, I can't listen to the voice"

"Do you want to relapse? Be honest Liv"

"I don't know. I feel good now. Then everything was so exhausting. But I was in control then. I was lighter, but I don't know if I can do it again Andy. I don't know what to do"

"Mija...when you were actively restringing and constantly working out, you were miserable. You were so unhappy under the surface. If you go back to that, you'll be so unhappy again. You've progressed so much Olivia, don't quit now"

"Should I tell my moms?"

"Yes honey, you should. They can help and be there for you. But please, don't give in to the voice again"

"Okay, I will tell them. Thanks tia <3"

"Anytime munchkin <3 now go enjoy the rest of your holiday. I wanna hear all about it when you come back!"

I closed my phone. I was sitting in my hotel room debating on whether should I tell them or not. I was worried. I felt scared. So I decided to listen to Andy and do it. Mom didn't question what caused the panic attack earlier, because I didn't wanna talk about it, but she must have told mama when we got back. Now it was afternoon and both my moms were sitting on the couch, drinking coffee and talking with each other. I stood in front of them, fidgeting with my fingers. 

"Something happened today", I sighed. I was too nervous to look at them, so I stared at the ground. 

Mom and mama looked at each other before they turned back to me. 

"The voice came back. When mom and I were running. It came back", I told honestly. 

They both seemed to understand what I meant and again they looked at each other. 

Mom exhaled deeply before speaking with a sad expression, "Love, why didn't you tell me when it happened?"

I shrugged my shoulders. 

"Can you come to sit here, bambina?", mama asked gently. 

I sat between my moms on the couch, each parent taking a hold of one hand. 

"Are you having thoughts of relapsing", mama continued. 

"I don't wanna listen to the voice anymore. But also after hearing it again, it felt like it sucked me back into it again. I was so loud mama, it didn't stop", I started tearing up. 

"I don't know what to do, I'm scared", I added. 

"We're glad you told us, bella", mama said, rubbing circles to the back of my hand. 

"First of all, we'll stop working out again. Clearly, it wasn't the right time yet, so we'll stop that. Second, we can add support. Your mama and I will always be here for you and to listen, but we can also ask for more therapy sessions or a meal plan again if you'd like?", mom spoke. 

At that point, I was full-on crying. And I wasn't even sure why. It was like a war again in my head. I know I needed to surrender, I couldn't go back again, even though a tiny portion of me wanted to. I needed to give my moms full control. 

"I'm sorry", I sobbed. 

"Can you hold me", I asked quietly. I just wanted my moms so bad. Their touch was always so calming, warm, and comforting. Sometimes it felt like it could melt away all the problems I had or any bad day. 

"Of course sunshine", mom said, as she and mama moved even closer to my body, and placed their arms around me, while I placed my head on mama's chest. I needed to hear that strong but steady thumping in order to feel safe and calm. 

"You're okay Liv, it'll all be okay, we'll work it out", mom comforted me as she stroked her hand through my hair. 

"We love you so much, bella. Thank you for coming to us", mama added. 

"Thank you", I quietly whispered, being so relieved to have my parents. 

Later in the night, when I was just laying in bed scrolling through social media, I noticed I had an unread message and a new follower on Instagram. I quickly scanned through the text. 

"Hey, Seattle girl! It's Micah here, I realized I didn't get your number so I admit I social stalked and found you from our school's IG followers. I don't know when are you leaving back home, but would you like to meet again before that?" 

I smiled. I thought about it for a second before replying

"Hey! We are leaving the day after tomorrow, so, if you are free tomorrow, we could hang out?"

We kept messaging one another for a little bit, and also exchanged our numbers. We agreed to meet tomorrow around 12 in a cafe next to the beach. But then I remembered

Oh shit, I didn't even ask my moms if I could go

I quickly got out of bed and made my way into my moms room, where they were getting ready for bed. 

"Can I go meet someone tomorrow at 12?", I asked persuasively. 

"Who?", mom asked curiously, as she was sitting against the headboard. 

"Ummm... his name is Micah, I met him yesterday and he goes to our school. His family is here for a holiday and we found out we go to the same school. He plays lacrosse", I replied. 

"Where were you thinking of going", mom investigated. 

"Just to the cafe next to the beach, the one with great iced coffees", I told truthfully. 

My parents looked at each other, having a quiet conversation with their eyes before mama spoke up

"Okay, bella. The cafe is near our hotel and it's a public place, so you can go. But you must keep your phone on all the time, si?"

I nodded. I looked at mom who looked like she wasn't completely happy with the idea but she also didn't protest. 

"Thank youuuu", I squealed and jumped onto my moms bed, getting comfortable and spreading myself like a starfish. 

"Oh are we going to have a visitor tonight", mom laughed. 

I didn't say anything but gave my parents my best puppy eyes, which answered my mom's question. 

"You can sleep with us anytime tesoro", mama smiled gently, and I rolled myself under the covers. 

"I love you", I said. 

"We love you more", mom replied, giving me a kiss on my forehead and then reaching over my body to kiss mama.