robbers// joshler

i wanted a family with him [forty]

word count: 321

four hours after. 

i stare at his empty hospital bed. my hands are in fists.

everything went fucking wrong.

"god. this feeling.. in my stomach feels awful. i'm going to have to explain this to ender. i'm.. oh god."

"we're never going to see him again."

she places her hand on my shoulder, "i know."

"he didn't deserve to die."

"i know."

"he died because of me. he went because of me. he.. listened to me. it took days to convince him. and he came. he loves me. god i'm stupid. i'm so fucking stupid."

i hit my head a few times in anger. her hand drops from my shoulder. 

the world is blurry through my eyes.

"he wouldn't have wanted you to feel like this, tyler."

"i wanted... i just wanted to live forever with him."

"rushing everything never does any good."

"i know.. god i know."

i want to scream until my lungs give out. but i can't. it fucking hurts, as every second passes, that he's not here. that he's dead.

my love. my life.

he's dead.

it's like the world was in color when he was here. and now that every second passes, i'm in more agonizing pain. the world's color is bleeding through everything. it's all messy and it's all soggy.

it's all fucking over.

they place their hand back on my shoulder, "everything's going to be okay."

"he's gone. nothing will be ofuckingkay."

"we just have to.. survive and get through the next day. that's what he'd want."

i fall to the floor. their hand that was on my shoulder falls to their side.

"i wanted a family with him."

the pain is so agonizing, i'd rather die.

-

i sit on a white bench and watch my hands in the sun. i think of joshua and how he would've liked the sun. i watch the people walk past me. with their significant others, and their dogs and their children.

i stand up, walking around in the sun, trying to figure out how to survive to the next day.