⚠️SENSITIVE CONTENT WARNING: SELF-HARM⚠️
^i am here for you if u need to talk♥️^
Today has not gone well at all. I have had a terrbile day and it feels like it just keeps getting worse. Ras is at a late night pratice and I am home alone. I promised not only myself but Rasmus that I would never do this again but it is the only thing that would help right now. I walk into the bedroom and pull open my nightstand drawer. I stick my hand behind the compartment itself and grab the blade. I know I should not do this but I have too. It is only once, right?
I go to the bathroom and lock the door, in case Rasmus comes home. I slide down the wall and sit on the floor. I pull up my hoodie sleeves and run the metal across my wrists. Five times on each side. I can hardly see from the tears that I have been holding in all day and place the blade on the floor next to me. I stand up and rinse the blood off my arms before wrapping them and pulling my sleeves back down.
I start to feel a little better and go to pick up the blade so I can put it back. As I step back I feel the blade slice my foot. I fall down and hold my foot. "Fuck" I whisper. How am I going to cover this up? I will be limping for a while. What do I tell Rasmus? I can not tell him the truth. I wrap my foot and stand up, limping to the bedroom and hiding the blade once again. I hear the door open and panic. Shit. I go as fast as I can downstairs to greet him.
"Hello angel, how was your day?" He asks, looking over my features. His eyes stop and my eyes and scan back and forth. "It was alright." I lie and fold my arms over my chest. "Be honest." He says softly. I shift my weight to my other foot and fall into him, not being able to stand on it. "Woah, what's wrong?" He asks, holding onto my arms causing me to wince.
I stare up at him, not having an answer. "Y/n, hey. Answer me." He says, picking me up and bringing me to the couch. "I was making a sandwhich and dropped a knife. When I went to pick it up it cut my foot. That's all." I say, not making any eye contact. Rasmus sits on the floor and unwraps my foot. "Angel this is deep." He says. "It isn't that bad." I say, knowing that my blade couldn't cut that deep.
"I think we should go to the doctors." He says. "No! Rasmus no." I say in a panic. I see that this causes him to rethink my lie. "Let me see your arms." He says. "Why would you need to see my arms?" I ask innocently. "Angel let me see." He says, reaching for my arms. "Stop!" I yell causing him to immediately back away. "I broke it." I whisper, tears in my eyes. "Broke what?" He asks. "The promise okay? I had a bad day and I couldn't take it anymore so I cut!" I yell, louder than I would've wanted.
Rasmus looks at me with those blue puppy eyes and I see tears in his eyes as well. "Y/n let me see." He whispers. I shake my head no. "Baby show me please. I'm not mad." He says. "You're disappointed in me." I whisper. "I'm not disappointed in you." He says. "Then why are you crying?" I ask. "Because you felt you needed to hurt yourself instead of come to me. Did I do something?" He asks. "You just weren't home." I whisper. "Baby you can call me." He says, moving closer to me.
"You were on the ice." I say. "When did you do this?" He asks. "Right before you got home." I say. I move down onto the floor and sit on his lap, my arms and legs wrapped around him. Rasmus wraps his arms around me and rubs my back. We sit there and cry together for I don't even know how long.
Eventually I sit back and pull up my sleeves for him and he gently unwraps my arms. By this point the cuts aren't bleeding anymore, there's just dry blood all around them. Rasmus lifts my arms up and kisses every single one of the cuts. "You're beautiful." Rasmus whispers. "I don't feel like it. My eyes are all red and puffy, i have cuts all over my arms, and my foot is sliced open." I say. "I don't care about all that, you're beautiful with and without those things." Rasmus responds.
"Did you wash these off?" He asks. I shake my head no, "I just let water run over them." I answer. "Let's go clean these. Just with soap and water so they don't burn." He says. I nod and get off him, standing up. He stand up too and guides me to the bathroom, his hand placed gently on my waist like I'm fragile. Rasmus picks me up and puts me on the counter before getting a washcloth and wetting it.
"That's gonna scrape them open." I say. "Baby I'm gonna do it gently. I'm not gonna hurt you." He reassures. I nod and give him my arms. Gently he runs the washcloth over my arms and cleans them. After he is done he dries off my arms and takes me off the counter. I stand up and take Rasmus's waist in my arms, hugging him. He puts one hand on my back and the other on my head.
After a while of us standing in the middle of the bathroom he pulls away and takes my head in his hands. Rasmus kisses my forehead and picks me up bridal style. He carries me to the bedroom and sets me lightly on the bed. "Get comfy, I'll be right back I just need to change." He says and grabs clothes before heading into the bathroom. I sit in bed and stare at the wall until he comes back.
"Where is it?" He asks, walking back in the room. I point to my nightstand, "Taped to the back of the drawer." I say. He goes to where it is and takes it out. "I'm getting rid of this." He says and I nod. Rasmus walks out of the room and does something with the blade. He comes back in and climbs back into bed with me. Rasmus pulls me to him and rubs over my arms gently. I start to scilently cry and I feel warm tears run down my cheeks. ¨I know angel, it is okay.¨ He comfots and kisses my head.
¨It just sucks.¨ I say and wipe my tears. ¨It is stupid.¨ I laugh a bit. ¨It is not stupid. It is okay to feel how you feel, nobody blames you.¨ He comfots. ¨I blame myself.¨ I say. ¨You shouldn't. It is not your fault. Shit happens baby.¨ He says. I nod and lay down on his chest. ¨Tired?¨ He asks and I just nod. He takes my arms and kisses each cut. I kiss him quickly on the lips and then peck his neck. ¨Good night baby.¨ He says. ¨Good night Ras, I love you.¨ I respond. ¨I love you too.¨ He says. I close my eyes and take deep breaths, calming myself down. Rasmus runs his hand up and down my back and I feel myself falling asleep.
