⚠️SENSITIVE CONTENT WARNING: ED⚠️
^i am here if anyone needs to talk, i've been there♥️^
I've been super insecure lately, so insecure my eating patterns have changed. I haven't been eating actually, I don't let myself eat over 700 calories in a day. I'm supposed to eat over 2,000. The only thing I eat most days is a small portion of dinner. I don't like how I look and it makes me afraid that Rasmus doesn't either. Rasmus and I have been dating for five years and I feel like I'm not the same person he fell in love with. If I don't like myself, why would he?
It's five pm and I haven't eaten all day. Rasmus has just gotten home from practice. I'm laying on the couch, I feel so light headed. I didn't eat dinner last night and it's made me pass out once already. I just hope I don't pass out now that Rasmus is home. "Hi angel." He says, walking over to me and kissing my head. "Hi Ras." I respond. "Are you cold?" He asks. I nod. I've been cold a lot lately. "I brought dinner." He says, kneeling down in front of me. I'm exhausted and I'm sure he can see it. "Have you slept today?" He whispers, resting his hand on my cheek.
I just shake my head no. "You don't look so good hunny." He tells me. I don't feel so good, I just can't tell you what's wrong. "Do you want to eat?" He asks. I never want to eat. "What'd you bring?" I ask. "Sushi." He answers. "From where?" I ask. "Wegmans" He answers. Good, it'll have calories on it. I nod and sit up. He gets off the floor and holds his hands out for me to take. I place my hands in his and pull myself up.
We walk to the kitchen and sit down at the table. He pulls out the sushi and opens it. I grab utensils and plates. He pushes the container to me so I can get my food first. I flip the lid over and see it's 300 calories for 6 pieces. "What're you looking at?" He asks. Has he been watching me this whole time? "Just looking." I respond. I take 6 pieces and tally 300 calories in my head. I gently push the container to him and begin to eat.
I finish one piece by the time he finishes half of his ten. It's been hard to eat a lot, let alone fast. My stomach needs time to settle by just eating a little. I'm not used to eating anymore. "Talk to me about something." I say, I need a distraction while I eat. "Like what?" He asks, looking up at me. I just shrug. "Anything." He looks at me like he's trying to figure me out. "Why aren't you eating?" He asks. That is not what I wanted him to talk about. "I will." I stutter quietly. "You're not eating and you checked the package of the food." He whispers, going over it in his head.
"Tell me about practice." I blurt out, trying to distract him from what I know he's thinking about. "Practice?" He asks, I just nod. I manage to pick up another piece of sushi, putting it in my mouth. "It was the same as usual. Nothing big happened. Are you okay?" He says, bringing the topic back. "I'm okay Ras." I respond. He stares at me like he's trying to break my wall down. "Baby, are you okay?" He asks again. "I'm fine Rasmus." I say, getting defensive.
He just nods, still staring me down. He knows. "Eat." He points to my plate and then picks up his phone. Is he mad? I slowly put another piece in my mouth, holding back tears. Three down, just three more. It takes me a while but I get them all down. "Thank you." He says and picks up the table, leaving me alone. "I'm going to shower." He says, kissing me on the head. I nod and remain at the table. As I hear the bathroom door close I lay my head on the table. I let the tears finally fall and shake until I can't breath properly.
I try to keep quiet but it doesn't work as well as I would've liked. I'm sure he can't hear me rooms away and through the water. I pick my head up and wipe the remaining tears before standing up. My head begins to pound and I feel myself get weaker and weaker, black flooding my vision. Soon enough I feel the cold kitchen floor again my skin. I feel myself come in and out of consciousness for a few minutes. Just as quickly as it happened, it's over. Thank goodness Rasmus didn't see it.
