Downton Abbey: The Risk Of Love

Peace Before Unfathomable Grief

Downton Abbey,
Late-May 1920

Thomas cracked his door and peeked outside. The hallway was empty and he was about to go where he had spent every night for the past two weeks. They had eased up completely on the late night visits since they felt it secure enough now. They were blissfully unaware that anyone, other than O'Brien but that was solely about Thomas, had it out for them. So Thomas took quiet steps outside and began walking down the hallway but right as he was about to walk past Jimmy's bedroom door a voice echoed behind him.

"Mr Barrow? What are you doing?" Mr Carson stuck his head out from his bedroom and stared at the footman.

Thomas stopped in his steps and turned around to look at the butler. He retained his composure and his face was stone cold. "Is going to the lavatory forbidden now, Mr Carson?"

"No, it is not — " Mr Carson said " — but after ten years here I thought you'd know which direction it was in." He pointed with his finger down the hall, the opposite way of where Thomas was heading.

"I suppose my brain is still asleep, Mr Carson." Thomas said and began walking towards the bathroom with the butler following his movements with his eyes.

It wasn't until a full hour later that he thought it safe to sneak out once again and make his way to Matthew's room. Luckily it seemed as if Mr Carson had fallen back asleep because there was no one stopping Thomas this time.

"So she's about ready to pop any day now?" Thomas said as he and Matthew finally settled down in the bed together.

"She is, Cousin Robert has called for Sir Philip Tapsell to come and deliver the child." Matthew said as he laid reading Lord Arthur Savile's Crime and Other Stories with his head on Thomas' chest and his body stretched out sideways in the bed.

"You have become quite taken with Oscar Wilde." Thomas noted as he looked at the concentrated face of Matthew.

"He was quite an interesting fellow — " Matthew said and looked up at Thomas " — and who are you to judge? You lent me this book."

"I'm trying to corrupt your mind, Mr Crawley." Thomas said with a grin. He ripped the book from Matthew and tossed it aside.

"I'm starting to think that you corrupted my mind the moment I stepped into Downton." Matthew teased and rolled onto his side so he could fully gaze upon Thomas from where he laid on his chest. "Was how unfitting I was to be an heir all you thought of me back then?"

"I don't think it would have been decent for my mind to think about you any other way — though, I am sure I — along with others — noticed how handsome you were, and still are." Thomas said and stroked his knuckles over Thomas' cheek "With those blue eyes and that dimple that appears each time the corner of your mouth twitches." The valet said and leaned down to kiss said dimple, that had appeared on Matthew's cheek from Thomas' words.

"Matthew?" Thomas then said "Remember how you said you'd never marry, have no children?"

"Of course I do, my darling."

"Don't you want them, children of your own?" Thomas asked and sat up a little in the bed. "Did you not dream of having a family?"

Matthew sat up as well and looked at his lover "What brought this on, Thomas?"

"Just thinking — about Tom and Sybil, and how everyone around you will eventually have them except for you." Thomas said with a small smile that seemed saddened and he looked down at his hands. "because we cannot have them."

"Thomas, my heart, I am not going to lie to you —" Matthew said and cupped Thomas' cheek and titled the valet's head up again so their eyes could meet " — I wanted children, like we all do, but that holds little matter now because our love is what I cherish the most."

"Even if this is all we have? These four walls with months in between travels and escapes to meadows?" Thomas didn't know why he felt so insecure, perhaps he was scared that the birth of a baby would spark the need to be a father within Matthew and he would feel trapped in his commitment to Thomas.

"I would spend an eternity in a broom cupboard if you were there with me." Matthew pressed his lips to Thomas' cheek "My mind won't change about that, nor my heart — so don't worry Thomas, I'll stick with being Uncle and Cousin Matthew to the children of Downton Abbey."

"Bloody hell Matthew, you need to stop making my heart grow softer — " Thomas laughed and wiped a tear from the corner of his eye " — or I'll end up being known as the formerly unkind former footman, and I will blame it all on you."

Matthew grinned and gripped Thomas' by the neck and kissed him hard on the lips. As they laid down on the bed and Thomas' hand snuck underneath Matthew's pyjama top the door burst open.

"Matthew! It's — " Tom came bursting through but then he became paralysed in his movement and mute in his words. He forgot, for a moment, the urgency of his reason for barging in when his eyes beheld Matthew and Thomas in a compromised position.

The two lovers were frozen as well with their eyes wide from fear and their heads turned to Tom from where they laid on top of each other on the bed — but another voice echoing from the hallway sent them back into motion.

"Tom! For heaven's sake! I called Dr Clarkson!" Robert shouted and his footsteps edged closer to the door.

In a panic Thomas leapt like a diver onto the floor and hid behind the side of the bed while Matthew stood up in a rush right as Robert hurried inside the room.

"Come on Tom, Matthew — " Robert said and gave the two men a curious look before they all disappeared out of the room.

Thomas was too scared to move as that had been too close — far too close. They had been lucky it was Tom who had entered the room first and not Lord Grantham. In the matter of seconds everything could have been over, everything could have been revealed. Had they been careless in thinking that it was safe for nighttime visits again? But how could they have known that something was going on and Tom would barge in while Robert called the doctor.

Thomas frowned from where he laid on the floor — why had they called Doctor Clarkson? Why had Tom barged in? Then it suddenly hit Thomas — something must be wrong with Sybil.

It felt like Thomas had spent an eternity on the floor — he still hadn't dared to move — where he had been alone with his thoughts that had sent him down a rabbit hole, but without funny characters and biscuits that made you grow. Instead he played out the worst case scenarios of what could be going on.

Eventually the door opened and Matthew's soft voice was like soothing music to Thomas's ear.

"Thomas? Are you still hiding?"

Thomas knew by the sound of Matthew's tone that everything was alright. So he popped his head up from behind the mattress. "I didn't dare to move."

Matthew crawled across the bed and sat down on the edge of it with his feet next to where Thomas sat on the floor. "She's alright, Doctor Clarkson said it was perfectly normal pains for a woman so close to having a child."

Thomas laid his head in Matthew's lap and nodded. "My mind went somewhere dark for a moment."

"As did all of ours, but Sybil is okay — but I am guessing the arrival of the child is closer than expected." Matthew leaned down and kissed Thomas' temple " — and we were too close to getting caught tonight."

"I know, my darling, I will sneak back to my room tonight." Thomas said understandingly.

"There is no point in that, and I think it will be a while for the Crawleys' to fall back asleep — even if Sybil is okay — so let's just wait with these wondrous visits until after the child is born." Matthew said and together they laid down in bed to continue their secret domestic life in the comfort of Matthew's four post bed. Peace before unfathomable grief.