Downton Abbey: The Risk Of Love

Happy Early Birthday, My Darling.

Downton Abbey,
August 1920

"What are you looking at, Alfred?" Jimmy asked the other footman with a frown.

"Nothing, James — nothing" Alfred answered and glanced away for a moment but then his eyes darted back at the blonde footman.

Jimmy shook his head and accepted the toast that Thomas held out for him. "Bloody stop it, Alfred!" Jimmy snapped when he noticed the eyes upon him again — and finally Alfred dropped his gaze to the table instead.

O'Brien saw the look upon her nephew's face and she then knew that he had seen what she had intended for him to see — her plan had been flawless, like she had meant for it to be. Her lips curled into a snarl and she felt so utterly pleased with herself.

O'Brien wasn't the only one observing the servants' gathered around the table. Mrs Hughes noticed the lady's maid's glances, her sudden nasty smirk — and the head housekeeper's uneasy feeling about the vile woman only intensified. But what could she do? She had warned Thomas about O'Brien plenty of times — and Thomas knew her wicked ways better than any, as he used to participate in them.

Then breakfast was interrupted by the bells of the Crawleys' ringing loudly and marked the start of their work. All the servants' hurried away to their tasks and Thomas slowly made his way to Matthew's room. His sadness had not quite vanished yet, what he had wept for outside of the shed still lingered — though he dreaded that it did. His heart still felt shattered from the fantasy they had shared and he did not know how to tell Matthew; the valet did not want his darling to think what they had was not enough. But to simply have a small taste of it, a small one — as if it had been true — had caused his heart to break in a way he didn't think it could.

It had also been nothing but a sweet gesture, a token of love — a display of what they both wish could transpire in their lives. Thomas also felt incredibly guilty because perhaps Matthew needed that fantasy, just as badly as Thomas needed to avoid such a thing. He did not know what to do, nor how to express these thoughts and normally he was rather good at expressing his thoughts to the man he loved.

Matthew had done quite a lot of thinking and what he had thought about was Thomas' strange and gloomy behaviour — stranger than usual . His darling had acted rather off after the shed, and had continued to do so. Even though he knew Thomas, it had taken him a little while to figure out what was wrong — but eventually he found a conclusion to his thoughts.

Matthew had thought the proposal had been a sweet gesture but he now knew better and the truth was that it had been the opposite as reality had returned to his sweetheart's mind. It made Matthew feel like an absolute shite, like an utter fool — and he wished to apologise to his dearest Thomas.

It was different than just a silly fantasy of being back in France, or that nothing could touch them within these walls — it was marriage, it was something they could never have. It was something that two men, two women, could never share. It was not like laying in Matthew's bed and forgetting the outside world. Marriage was a promise under God to love, be faithful — to cherish — until death parted them. It was deeper, it was something they should already be sharing but no. Marriage was a union of family, becoming a family and the world recognising you as such. It was to bring children into the world — it was about everything they could never have.

Matthew ached at the thought of these thoughts entering Thomas' mind too and he ached because he had been selfish to bring that fantasy upon them. He truly hoped that an early birthday gift would make Thomas see how deeply sorry Matthew was, and how deeply he loved him — and that the two of them were enough and always would be for the heir who would remain heirless until the day he died.