Universe (VegasPete) R18

Chapter 31 - Don't ask, don't tell.

-Pete-

"You fell in love with the pain. And that pain made you who you are now."

"It makes me want to die."

"What are you so afraid of Pete? Everyone is on their way to their grave."

"I don't even know who I am anymore, I lost myself. I lost myself in him."

"No Pete, the opposite."

"Who...Who are you...?"

"Pete, look here. Right here..."

...

My eyes opened suddenly. I woke up in our bedroom, tuck in bed, a cold pad on my forehead. I dreamed of the shadow again, but this time it felt different.

The tears were still slowly running down my temples, but my heart beats were steady, I wasn't scared, I wasn't lost. I looked beside me, but Vegas wasn't there.

I remember falling asleep in his arms this morning. I sighed, my hands covering my face.

What the hell did you do, you buffalo?! I begged him to kiss me and...more. Damn it. I don't know how I'm going to be able to face him today...

I'm really losing my freaking mind.

Why I keep pushing him away? Why I keep pushing us into self-destruction? I don't even know what I want or what I need. I just feel this rage spreading inside me, taking control of me without being able to stop it.

Is this what it feels like to lose your mind? Is it what Vegas felt before?

Damn it. He probably must feel as lost as me, trying to understand why I'm acting like a complete lunatic.

I keep hearing this voice in my head all over again telling me I will never be who I used to be anymore. Telling me to run away as fast as I can, far away from what destroyed me.

But my heart is pulling me back into his arms, the only place where all the pieces of my broken soul are pulled together.

Why do I feel safe when he is holding me against my will? Why do I feel like I'm breathing for the first time when Vegas' fingers clenched around my throat?

Why does it have to hurt for me to feel something?

Why it has to be Vegas?

I can't take this anymore. It hurts. Like knives cutting every inch of my skin while I'm wide awake.

There is so much I want to say to him. But nothing would come out. I don't know how or where to begin. I don't know how to apologize. I don't know how to forgive him. How to forgive me.

This bittersweet feeling, feeding the warmth and the cold. I fucked up yesterday. I didn't recognize myself. And I hurt him because I was in pain.

I promise myself I will do whatever it takes to protect him.
I promise myself I will protect him from anyone who tries to hurt him.

Even from me.

Is this the answer? Will he be better off without me?

I slap my face lightly, trying to put some sense in me, once again drowning into those thoughts, feeling my head push under water.

I lazily got up, still feeling a bit sick. It was almost noon. Vegas wasn't in the room, and everything was pretty silent. Only the sound of the birds singing soothing me a little. It was a beautiful day, an ideal day for Loy Krathong*.

I knew Lek told Macau we were all going because he wanted Vegas and me to make up. I didn't even ask myself how he found out we were fighting, it's Lek. He knows everything.

Damn it. This day is going to be weird.

I quickly went shower and met Macau downstairs. He was sitting on the couch, his leg moving restlessly, writing on his phone. Not something unusual but he seemed tense.