Spades and Angels

My Fault

Maddox
The days after me and Lo argued were difficult since I wanted to talk to her, to hold her so badly it was like a constant ache in my chest. It stops me from sleeping properly since I can still hear her. Every night. Every night I can hear her. Hear her crying herself to sleep every night. Soft, pitiful sounds that tugged at my heart. Keeping me awake as much as my guilty conscience and broken heart.

After two or three days I give up sleeping entirely unless I need it or pass out from exhaustion or sleep deprivation. Instead, I work tirelessly to try and figure out how to help Lo. Lo and Riv. Focusing instead on that in between working on the car that I promised Lo weeks before. Something that was almost done so I'd moved on to the bike I promised her to since we'd found a good solid frame at a backstreet sale for the underground scene. That one I worked on alone for her when I wanted to avoid sleeping or thinking about her. Needing to be busy. Not to think.

"Heya Mads," Riv calls for me when I look up from where I'm fixing part of the exhaust one night after I knew Lo had gone out hours before. That same compulsion not to sleep but to instead occupy myself drove me to keep working late into the night Or maybe even into the early morning by now, I wasn't sure. Just happy it was still distracting me. "Thanks for keeping these for me, I'm done for tonight. I take it you're still happy to be the keeper of the keys?" She holds up her keys and I smile in her direction, knowing that she means.

"Sure toss them over and I'll lock them with the other," I see her smile wider as she does so, I manage to catch them one-handed and put them in my back pocket until I am done in here and go back to the office. "Want me to drive you home, I'm almost done for the night,"

She laughs, the sound soft, yet sad at the same time. The same as her voice when she speaks. "Night? Mads, it's almost four am, sunrise kind of time," She pauses, looking between me and what I'd been doing. See her put two and two together by her sad expression. The worry in her eyes pulled at me as much as Lo's pain, yet in a different way. "You've been at this all night? Mads that's not healthy. You're not sleeping either and don't try to lie. We've all noticed I'm just the one biting the bullet and asking you about it. What's wrong? Is it about Lo again?"

I sigh, finishing what I'd been doing and packing the tools I'd been working with, the drive to be occupied having vanished since she arrived. Wither that or an adrenaline crash from sleep deprivation. Again. Sensing Riv's eyes are still on mine I keep myself busy. Knowing she's waiting for the explanation I have no idea how to give her. Not sure how to process the pain still inside. The pain trapped under my skin was like a constant reminder. As painful as my broken heart.

"Mads?" Riv tried again to get me to talk but I don't know how to explain to her how I feel. Not even sure I understand it since I'd never felt what I do - like I do -  for Lo or with anyone else. Similarly, I'd never felt heartbreak this powerful. "Sorry I-I'll ask later when you..."

"No it's ok Riv," I reply, finishing packing up and heading back to the main office area to put both the keys Riv gave back to me and make sure the ones for Lo were also kept safely away, "Hey where did you go anyway?"

Riv shrugs, hopping up to sit on the desk, "Practice laps around Witch's Alley," She gives me a look, seeing me frown when she does. "What I'm almost fifteen and we need the cash. What with my mother's choice of lifestyle." She shrugs again but the expression is upset now, tinged with emotions I can't read into but know that no fourteen-year-old kid should have ever experienced. "I know Hails wants me out of it but I figured I'd try to persuade Ash behind her back. Not to spite her but to try and pitch in. To help more than what little I make at the bar. So I can help her and Indra with raising Delia and El. Do my part, you know? Be there for them and provide what I can and as much as I can."