Spades and Angels

The Arizonian Ex Story

Lolita

I was angry at Mads when Luci finished talking to Mads. Well yells at him if I'm honest with myself. The nature of her words is a little harsh but not entirely undeserved given what he did. What Luce said.

She gave me a look when we got to her room but I just offered a sad smile and sat, needing to compartmentalise what just happened. I realised when I thought about it that I'm a little mad at Luci too, given how she used what she knew of my past to have a go at Mads. In a way that went beyond what needed to be said and into being unkind, even if she didn't intend for it to seem that way.

"Are you ok Lo?" Luci calls over to me and I nod, steepling my fingers under my head, my knee bobbing with a restless energy that has me pacing in circles when the tension gets too much. "Are-are you sure?" She tries again but my answer remains the same. "Ok,"

She moves to leave then, offering me a last look as she gets to the door and opens it, hers only a few doors down from his. The person I was still hopelessly in love with despite it all. Despite everything that happened under the anger my feelings hadn't changed.

Seeing she's still watching me I find Luci standing in the doorway, one hand curled around the frame with an expectant expression. Her eyes asked again if I was doing ok.

I sigh, blowing all the air out of my lungs and nodding with a tired expression. "Just go Luce, I promise I'm fine. Just...just want to sit and think for a while."

She sighs but nods opening the door and then slipping through, the hushed sounds of a quiet conversation snatching my attention as Luce leaves. When she lets go of the door it blows softly closed from the open window set in the middle of the back wall. Yet driven by some sort of unknown compulsion I jump up to close the door as she does so. I just manage to get two fingers between the frame and the door, reaching with the other to find the knob before it crushes my fingers between the door and the frame. I use my grip to keep it closed but not shut so the conversation floats back to me

It's Mads talking. He and Mireia are in his room a few doors down. Mid-conversation they look like they don't see the rest of the world. Mads more than Mir since when I see a flash of his expression through the door it's like the night I found out the secret that started this distance. The same bitter heartbreak and soul-deep misery written all over his achingly handsome face,  showing me what he'd been trying to say. Showing me he was sorry. That he's hurting and alone in a way that makes me want to run to him. Just like every other time I've seen him like that, no matter if he's the reason I'm upset. Feeling hurt and alone. Yet unable to face him and talk about it or...or to let him go.

Toxically codependent. That's the words for what we are with each other. Bound in our souls but not able to let one another go when all we do is cause the other pain. Just like Catherine and Heathcliff in the classic novel. Maybe there's no escaping the old lessons the classics show us. We never learn. Just like they never did.

I'm still miserably musing over this mental revelation when I pick up Mads speaking, his voice miserable and with a low and broken sigh, "I'll be ok Mir, I just...Luce's right I did screw this up. Big time. Lo's right not to trust me. I don't deserve it or her love."

"Sounds to me like you're giving up," Mireia sounds as confused as I feel. As if she can't see where he's coming from, in what he's saying. "Odd I didn't figure you were the giving up type mi hermano del alma," She whispers, me watching through a crack in the door where I can see her place a hand on his shoulder. "What happened Mads? Was it just what Luci said? Because she's not entirely wrong. Not...nor entirely right,"

"Solid philosophy there Mir," I hear him mumble miserably, my bleeding and shattered heart aching for him - for us - even in all its pieces. "Shame you're what's the phrase, a dollar short and day too late with the advice."