Spades and Angels

Such a Thing As Wishful Thinking?

Lolita

School's tough after Homecoming. Even more so after Saturday. We both knew it would be and both knew to keep our distance but it's a hard job since neither of us wants to. Both looking. Waiting. Resisting the urge to find each other until it's almost unbearable sometimes. The texting not seeming to be enough some days when all I want is to ...is to....I can't. I know I can't. I can't go looking for him without looking for trouble but part of me wants to. Craves the additive danger of it.

I crave him.

It's worse than any addiction I've ever known. Worse than any kind of alcohol or pill. Drug or high. Eating at my sanity until I'm convinced he's driving me mad. Well, madder than I already must have been for chasing the rebel angel in the first palace. Madder than I would have been for sleeping with him. For kissing him not once but twice. And one of them was done sober so completely in my control. Madder than spending almost all of Saturday together where we could have been seen.

Mad. Mad. Mad. Insane even.

And yet. And yet somehow it feels natural. A natural progression toward madness. Maybe. I'm not sure but a natural progression nonetheless. That and knowing he knows about my stalker helps since despite not seeing them for a while that creeping feeling is back. Lurking in the back of my mind when I walk home late from work. When I dip down alleyways to try and avoid it. Yet when I look around there's never anyone there. It's all just in my imagination or someone's sick joke.

I don't tell anyone. Bar the one person who knows about it. All because I have no proof. No proof beyond a skittering feeling down my spine given how this time they're too fast. I can never see even their silhouette, despite a growing part of me warning me that I know. I know who decides to play with me like a cat does a mouse and chase me around town. Someone close to home and possibly the heart. Only that can't be true since Mads said it wasn't him and I believe him, I know it's not him.

So who is it?

"You all good in there sugar?" Shell's voice to my left has me looking up to where she's standing in the doorway. Eyes concerned. "You doing okay Lo? I know stuff at home's tough again. Luc called last week."

"That explains it." I sigh seeing Shell watch me with a puzzled look. "I didn't know how you knew since I never breathed a word. Should have known he'd have my back about it. Even if he did talk to you." She offers a consoling smile and I sigh, eying the dark forest. "Thanks for the extra shifts recently I appreciate it. We need the money and Luc can only do so much."

"Same goes for you sweetheart," Shell sighs, coming in and sitting down. Her subtle perfume of lilacs and traces of smoke from the bar clinging to her dark clothes where she hugs me. Her motherly actions made me feel better. "You deserve a life to Lo and can only do so much. You're the only human. Don't forget that or let it get to you. Don't burn yourself out, okay?"

"Ok, I'll remember that Shell. Thanks," She offers me one last hug and I stand up, eyeing the dark woods that make my way home. Reassured I have my music so am not worried about being alone. That and if I was desperate I could call Mads. Something I tried to do as little as possible in case dad came home and looked through my phone log to ask. We'd - well he had - logged his number under just the M but I guess if my dad wanted to dig he would figure out who it was. "I'll see you tomorrow Shell."

"Are you pulling a double again?" Her head pops around the corner again, "Lo?"

"Yeah covering for Kourt again since she has a legit excuse this time," Shell gives me a look and I sigh, "Throat infection. Thinks she'll be out for a few weeks and offered me her shifts. So I'm covering her double and then doing my usual night one. I'll make sure I take breaks and eat so don't worry about that Shell. I can take care of myself. Plus I'm on with the girls tomorrow so they'll keep me in check."