Scarlett: Child of Crescent Moon

37. Forced Silence

Scarlett

I wish more than anything I could tell Liam the truth about what happened to me. He is my mate, and he deserves that and so much more. I also feel terrible I haven't been able to be completely honest with him due to this annoying command. I don't want to lie to him, ever, yet I'm forced to in a way because Chaos said so. I can't talk about certain things despite how much I want to, and it makes me feel dishonest having to keep it to myself. There are so many things I want to say, but how do I overcome this?

The experience I went through with Chaos is burned into my mind in the most uncomfortable way, like a sore in your mouth that would go away if you would only stop picking at it. I know exactly what I want to say every time whether I am asked or not, but the words aren't allowed to flow through my mouth whenever I try to speak about it. My lips flop up and down like a fish each time this topic is brought up and it's beyond infuriating to not have control over my body like that. It is also slightly painful, and I now realize how an Alpha command feels when you go against it and I'm glad I haven't had to use it often. Shouldn't I be stronger than this? I know I'm not god, but the goddess blessed me and I'm one hundred percent certain that this wasn't in her plans for me.

The Goddess loves her children and creations giving us the freedom of choice as we lived our daily lives and a God with a chip on his shoulder has stripped it away from me, or at least that is what it feels like. Savvy and I are determined to overcome this nonsense and no longer be captive to a god I didn't promise myself to. Although I am not sure how to break free from this prison, he holds me in I am certain I will escape when I can figure it out. He is an original god and the king of demons. He is all things vile and that is not who I am or want to be associated with. Fortunately, he doesn't control every aspect of my life thank Goddess, but he is always there in the back of my mind regardless.

Chaos made sure that I would suffer outside of his realm with what he calls a gift. It is more of a burden, and I appreciate nothing about it. I can't imagine spending all of time in that black hole of a space he calls his home because I felt only what he allowed me to feel there, which was mostly fear and pain. I was there for three weeks of torture and dealing with his manic and depressive episodes. You would think that a God would have himself together, but he looked like a scared and lonely child when he wasn't frightening me. When he tortured me, he looked like the monster I believe he is.

The time I spent there was asphyxiating, and an ugly scar adorns my skin as a reminder of when he bit down into me with his jagged and sharp fangs. I shudder in disgust thinking about the way he licked my blood off his lips afterward as if the taste was pleasurable to him. It probably was honestly because I now know his deepest and darkest feelings toward Eden. Everything he said makes sense as to why he would enjoy my blood tasting like hers. Gods aren't immune to everything it seems and those two have a messed-up story.

I swear to the Goddess he put something inside of my wrist when he stabbed me with his nail even though I can't see or feel anything there when I rub it. Whatever it is hides right under the skin without a visual or tactile presence and I rub it constantly due to the discomfort he causes me. I pray that the darkness he placed within me leaves so I can be free of it. The Goddess hasn't answered me when I pray to her and that is disheartening because I've asked for her help so many times. Chaos only laughs sinisterly each time I beg for her to rescue me since he is always in my head, and it is making me feel crazy. I know that some of the beings here have caught me talking to him and it looks like I'm talking to myself. I haven't been able to participate in leadership functions either because it has been focused on what he said I can't talk about, and it gives me a headache. I'm truly terrified and at this point that I'm willing to do anything for him to leave me alone. Except give up my daughter or give myself to him.