Sophia, who art thou?

37. SOPHIA

"Roman, open the door. It's Sophia. ROMAN!"

I decide to bang on the door until he opens it. I don't care about the dirty looks I get from everyone around me. I don't care about anything else in this moment.

"What?"

Roman's voice is sharp. He's never spoken to me like this before. His words are always kind and thoughtful. Never sharp. "I told you we needed to talk."

"Sophia, unless you tell me the truth I have nothing to say to you. Oh my god, keeping up this ruse is exhausting."

But I can't tell him the truth. But if I tell him the truth he might stay in New York. I could do with his company. He will always stand by me. That is one thing predictable about him. He will always love me.

"Can I come in?"

"Only if you leave your bullshit at the door."

I smile lightly. I promise. I've already made two promises today. Promises I don't intend on keeping.

"I called a friend. I asked her to run a background check on you."

"What? Roman, I know you're hurt but how could you do this to me?" I wasn't counting on this. I was supposed to feed Roman an alternate reality, not THE reality.

"I don't trust you, Soph. I don't trust you to tell me the whole truth. All our lives you have lied to me. No, to everyone around you. It only seemed fair."

I can't give too much away. I did good hiding my tracks. Even this amateur Sherlock Roman hired won't be able to delve that deep.

"What did she tell you?"

"Your parents didn't die that day, Sophia. They were never alive."

Okay, so the amateur delved that deep. I don't say anything. How can I? This is far too entertaining. I want to know more.

"You left drugs around the house so Amelia would use."

"Roman, I-"

"You didn't even live in the same neighborhood as Jade and Olivia. You just made sure to cross paths with them every day after school and let them think you loved around. You lied about your parents dying so you could go live with Jade's family."

Roman pauses, searching my face for expression but I'm not going to give that to him. The great thing about silence is that the longer you maintain it, the more power is transferred to you. And when you hold all the power, you don't need to say anything. Not yet, at least.

"Is any of this true?"

"Do you want the truth?"

He doesn't seem to be backing down so I do what I can. I take a deep breath, and crack my voice as a whisper escapes my lips. "All of it is true." I shiver as Roman takes a step away from me. He thinks I'm dangerous.

"You're a horrible person."

"I know. But you're the one who fell in love with a horrible person."

"You're an incredible manipulator, anyone ever told you that?"

"Maybe a few people along the way mentioned it," I said, breaking out my pearly whites.

"Did you ever love me or was it all an act?"

"I never had to pretend that much with you, Roman. I really did love you."

"Why were you with Drew?"

"Money."

"Didn't he make you sign a prenup?"

"Nothing a few tears couldn't get me out of."

"Get out."

"Are you scared of me Roman?"

"No."

"That's naïve. You should be scared of me."

"You're not as scary as you think, Sophia. You're just another person, trying to make it in this world. If anything, you are the one that's scared."

"Excuse me?"

"Fate dealt you a bad hand. Get over it, Sophia."

Three words. Get over it. Those three words make me want to jump over the table separating us and strangle him with my bare hands. "What?"

"All you've done your entire life is control everyone and everything around you. You put up walls around yourself. You don't let anyone in. You are so lucky to have so many people in your life who love you but you don't think that's an asset, do you? Love, to you, is a liability. You don't even KNOW how to take any love do you?" He sneered at me.

I blinked. Trying to process what he just said." What- what do you mean?" I was fumbling over my words. I knew this is what Roman wanted. So I gave it to him. I always have been a phenomenal actor. I fought back a smile as I saw a glint of something dark in his eyes. Channel into that darkness, Roman. I know you can do it.

"That's right. I said it. You're always going on about how people don't know how to love you, how to make you feel special. When the truth is-" he stopped.

Like if he'd said anymore I'd be hurt. Little did he know. But this has gone too far already, why not push it a little more? 

"The truth is what, huh?" He didn't move. He looked down at me with stone cold eyes.

"The truth is it disgusts you to be loved. You run from it. It feels fake doesn't it?"

"What does?" I asked, playing dumb.

"When I love you. When I tell you you're pretty. When I say you make me go crazy. When I tell you I dream about you. You think I just say all of it, because I'm good with words don't you? You don't think my love is real at all."

"That's not true" I hiss. Yes, Roman. Hurt me. Break me. Ignite me. "It is. I've seen you flinch whenever I do something nice for you. You feel... weird. You feel weird being IN a scene. You're fine being the background character, fantasizing about being the main girl. Well guess what, you can't escape being the protagonist in your own goddamn life!". His voice rose as he went on. "I can't make you see what you are. I can't make you believe you're enough. Goddamnit you deserve things, why can't you see it !!?? I've tried. I've tried but now I'm done. I don't know how to deal with you, I just don't ".

His voice trailed off and I could see the pain in his eyes. Then I saw it. Just as easily as he had fallen in me, Roman Asher had fallen out of love with me. He had nothing but hate and disgust in his eyes as he looked into mine. I was no longer his Sophia. I was no one. And then I smiled. My goal had been accomplished. I had already lived two lives. Now thanks to Roman, I could go live my next one.