Colleagues to lovers

Chapter 46

Sarah's diary
Dear Diary, I feel like I'm not a person anymore. Stress is taking over. I can't take it anymore. Lyanna is always talking about her problems and I always listen to her. But this is the reason why I do not take care of my problems and it makes mine much worse. I feel like my feelings don't exist, but they're destroying me. When Lyanna or anyone else asks me how I'm doing, I say, "Yeah, I'm fine. Don't worry." But in reality, I feel like my feelings are killing me from the inside. I'm not okay. But I don't want anyone to know. Because if someone knows, then everyone knows. Even the ones who will take advantage of me if they know. I'm stuck. Stuck in a black hole. No one to save me. But I have to stay strong and fake my emotions and feelings. This thought has been going through my head for almost a month. Lyanna would say a month too long. But that's not the case. When I talk about my feelings, Lyanna doesn't listen. She interrupts me and starts talking about something else. I really like her. I really do. Sometimes she makes it very hard for me to be happy with her. On the other hand, she makes everything so much better. I can't live without her, but maybe I can't live with her either. And I just don't know what to do. Should I leave her or should I be with her? Why is my life sometimes so goddamn complicated? When she stays at her own house, I cry myself to sleep wondering what to do. It sounds very depressing when I hear myself. But it doesn't feel that depressing. Right? I kust don't know what to do most of the time. My work is stressing me out, and then we also have those two bitches, Ellie and Hailey. They make my live even more complicated than it already is. Lyanna knows I'm struggling sometimes, but she doesn't want to get involved or something. She has problems with Ellie and Hailey too, but I feel like those girls hate me more than Lyanna. And I know that it sounds insane, however it is what I'm feeling. I really want my life to go back to normal. Without the trouble with Ellie and Hailey, my anxiety and lots of stress. The pressure is becoming too much for me. I can't take care of myself any longer. And what about the kids. I feel like I am not a good mother to them. But I have not the heart to tell them how I'm feeling right now. I don't want to cry myself to sleep at night and hope tomorrow is going to be better, because it is not going to be better. I can't deal with the problems of Lyanna, the people around me and my own. Now I'm almost crying.
I don't want this. This is not what I wanted in life. I wanted to be happy with Lyanna and the kids and have a fun job. But at this point, I can't concentrate on the good things in life. I wake up with bad feelings, and I go to bed with horrible feelings. I can't relax anymore. Is this how my life is going to end? I feel like I'm trapped in a jail of problems. I don't want this to end like this. I was happy with the kids and Thomas. Until Lyanna showed up. She made my life so much better and also worse. Did she make it worse? Or is it just my head making stuff up? I don't know what is real and what is in my head. I want control and to let bad feelings go. How hard could that possibly be?