180 Degrees- Completed

Chapter Forty Seven

I'd spent the next 2 weeks really withdrawn. I was still here, participating, smiling, laughing. Studying and going to classes, hitting the gym, dancing alone in the studio with locked door so no one could sneak in. I'd barely taken my phone off do not disturb, ignoring anyone who wasn't Izzy, Eve or the volleyball girls.  I was holding it together. Or had been. 

Now I was sat here 9pm 2 days after I was supposed to leave for Thanksgiving break. I should be at home right now but I didn't want to face them and risk having to have that conversation again. It was just easier if I carried on like everything was fine, like I'd never said a word. I wish I hadn't. In fact, I wish that entire weekend could be swiped from my mind. 

I was starting to hate who I had become. I didn't feel like me anymore. I don't know what it was. I'd been thinking a lot about it the past 14 days as I avoided everyone and everything. No parties, no post training drinks. Just me. I needed to clear my head. Hopefully by the time everyone comes back next week I'll be a little better. 

They had the week off. I still had 5 days until I had to continue faking my smiles. Whilst they're gone I could relax a little. Sit here in the silent library and work in its emptiness. 

I had gotten very used to having someone with me constantly before that weekend. I always had plans, always someone to see, something to do. It was hard keeping up with that when I was disgusted at myself. 

Caz hadn't said a word. The looks she gave me now were one of pity, like I was a broken girl who only sought him out to fix me. I didn't. But I don't know what I'm still madly in love with this guy even after he did what he did. I want to respect myself enough to move on, to leave him and his eyes and his touch and the way he makes me feel in the past. I do. But I can't. 

I sat back in the chair, staring into nothingness by the ceiling as my music played through my laptop speaker quietly. This library was empty. Not a single person in here except me and even then I was barely here. Not mentally anyway. 

The flicking on of the room lights made me sit up straight. Going back to looking like I was working. It was probably just the cleaners but I didn't want to get kicked out if they didn't think I was working. I still had this assignment to redo anyway. After getting my first C ever, I was able to wrangle the tutor into letting me redo it.  I could easily speak to my parents and get a high grade on this but I really didn't want to. I wasn't talking to Ashley either so she wasn't an option. 

Just me myself and I. 

"Oh. I didn't know anyone was - Sorry." I looked up and sighed. 

"No it's fine I was just going." I closed my laptop, not saving anything in the rush. I just hope it didn't close anything down. 

"Avery, you don't have to go." I gave him a soft smile, continuing to pack up. "Where have you been the past 2 weeks. No one's seen you?" 

"I've been about. Reading, working on assignments." He nodded. 

"Shouldn't you be at home now?" I scoffed. "What?" 

"Shouldn't you be at home?" I pulled my bag over my shoulder. "Have a nice Thanksgiving James."  I smiled gently. The same fake smile I'd had planted on my face for too long. Carefully moving into the center aisle and walking past him

"Wait." He pulled on my bag strap. "Don't leave again." 

"I can't stay." I was shaking just at him being this close. I needed him to let go but I couldn't risk touching his hand. I didn't want to do it again. Touching him was a dangerous game I didn't have the ability to play anymore. Not without loosing my self belief entirely. 

"Why aren't you at home Avery?" He pulled, forcing me to turn as he took his hand away from me. I could breath a little better now. Still not clear. Like he was stuck in my lungs. "Is everything Okay?" 

"Everything's fine. I just have work to do." 

"So stay and do it." 

"No it's okay I'm going to go home." 

"Stop being awkward. Work with me." He reached up slowly, pulling my bag off my shoulder and dropping it carefully to the floor. "I text and called."

"I know." 

"I came by. I knew you were home. I could see the light under the door." 

"I know." 

"You didn't answer anything." I pulled my eyes from his, pulling the sleeves of my jumper down over my fingertips. I just want to go. Being around him is too much. "I thought we were okay Vee. What did Caz say to make it not okay?" 

"Nothing." He reached up to touch me and I took a step back, shaking my head. 

"Avery, please." I shook again. "Did you mean it?" 

I didn't like this look he had right now. 

When I first met him 4 months ago back in a coffee shop. He took me to the park and we sat there talking. I was so overwhelmed with him back then. Oozing confidence, the baby blue eyes, perfect hair, he had slight stubble, like he hadn't shaved since the morning before. I remember it like it was yesterday. When I pictured James, that first day and the week later when he kissed me. Those are the first 2 moments that flick through in my head. 

"Did I mean what?" 

"That you love me. Like I love you. Like I still do even if you won't let me show you right now. Did you mean it?" 

Those first 2 moments are always followed by him kissing her though. Its always the sweet being overtaken by the sour. 

"I did." 

"Do you still?" He stepped forward and I was loosing my footing again. 

"James. Stop. I can't do this." 

"Do you still love me Avery?" I grabbed my bag but he pushed it out of my hand replacing it with his as he interlocked our fingers. My heart was stuck. Half of it mending, half of it breaking into even smaller shards of glass. 

"I- I c-can't-" I stuttered.

"Yes or no baby. Simple yes or no. Do you still love me?" I looked up at him, fighting back the tears that were screaming to be let free. 

"Yes." I swallowed "But I don't want to." He put his hand on my cheek bringing my eyes back to his. "All I can think about is you with her. And I know you're sorry, I know I said I'd forgiven you. But I just can't-" The tears broke free. "I can't do it." I shook my head, pulling my hand from his. 

"Avery-" I grabbed my bag, pulling it over my shoulder. 

"I love you James. And I don't think there will ever be a time that I don't. But every single time I think about you, I see her. And I have to give myself more than that." 

"Vee-" 

"My parents know about everything. They're pulling me out. I'm starting a new college next year with Izzy. I'm going home tomorrow and I'm not coming back." 

"Avery-" I quickly wiped my tears, trying to hold my head high. 

"I wish you the best James." I bit my lip, trying to steady myself before I turned and left him standing there. 

I don't know why I told him that. That I was going. Maybe in the hopes he would move on and I could get over it that way. God knows with him being around I wasn't going anywhere. And whilst he still had his grip on me, no one else would dare come near me. Maybe I should start looking at alternatives for next year.  Take some time away to work out what I really want. 

All I know is what I thought I wanted from college, it wasn't this. It wasn't any of this.