Off the Carousel

Not Finished Loving You

A/N: Well, it's been awhile! But here we are! Thanks so much fans! I appreciate each and every one of you!

With one kid on each side of her, Meredith tried to sleep. Eyes shuttered, she forced long, calming breaths into her lungs. She listened to Bailey's sharp intakes, Zola's little whimper on every second outbreath, and tried to match their syncopation.

Meredith shifted, turning to spoon Zola. She slipped her fingers through her daughter's soft curly q's and absorbed the scent of coconut oil, yet it did little to quiet her mind. She flipped over to cuddle with Bailey. He was in deep slumber and wouldn't wake. But even her baby's heavy warm body and gentle breathing offered no relief.

Time slipped by, but her mind hummed on standby. She couldn't get past the screensaver stage, and this screensaver was... Derek. Derek, Derek Derek. He was gone, right? But today... she'd seen him. Talked to him. Felt him, like he was real. And then, to cap it off, Carolyn showed up and convinced her kids that it was okay to make up Derek like he was an invisible ghost.

But then it was hypocritical of her too, wasn't it? She couldn't take away whatever imaginative remnants of Derek her kids dreamed up when she herself somehow conjured him up on the bridge, that wasn't right either. It wasn't okay. It just...

Meredith sat up and wiped her eyes. Enough. Tiredness pulled at her like a heavy anchor, but sleep was so far away. She tugged the covers off and scooted out of bed. She grabbed her jacket and slipped on her running shoes. With night stealth, she opened the door and walked across the hall to Carolyn's room.

She hesitated. Was she really doing this? She had to. She really... just had to. On the third knock, the door swung open. Her mother-in-law's white hair stuck out in all directions, and her skin looked especially pale and drawn without the benefit of make-up. "Meredith?" she asked, frazzled.

"I um, I can't sleep," Meredith said.

Carolyn gazed at her curiously.

"I just... um... the kids are asleep, and I need to-" She cleared her throat, unable to admit that it looked like she was running away again, except that she wasn't. "I need some air, and-" God, she was a horrible mother- she couldn't even grieve with her kids.

"It's fine," Carolyn said. "Let me just get my robe." She disappeared, then reappeared with a fuzzy brown robe wrapped around herself.

"Thank you." Meredith managed.

Carolyn's only response was to squeeze her hand.

xxx

Meredith closed the car door shut and hefted the flashlight in her hand. She took a few steps down the driveway and stopped. A car was coming up the lane. At first, she thought it would dip into the roundabout, but instead it veered to the right, pulling up into the house beside. It was late, well after midnight. Who could possibly be up at this hour in this small town? Meredith wondered, gazing curiously at the car. The door opened and a familiar tall figure stepped out.

Dr. Radford.

"Dr. Grey?" he asked, seeing her hunched form. "Are you all right?"

"I-um, yeah," she nodded. "Just going for a walk."

"It's... it's almost two in the morning."

She shrugged. "Can't sleep. What are you doing up?" she asked him.

"I just finished a shift at Blairville hospital. I would have been back earlier, but I got called in on a complication."

"Oh," she said.

"I'm sure you understand," he said.

Meredith nodded. "Can I ask what happened?"

"Trauma case, car accident. My patient had an embolism."