Off the Carousel

I Just Don't Want You to be Alone

Cassie sat up in bed, kicked out of a peaceful slumber. A low rumble of thunder echoed along with the heavy patter of rain against her window, but that wasn't what woke her up.

Someone was here.

Alert now, Cassie stumbled out of bed and ran down the stairs to the front entrance. When she opened the front door, wind gushed in and rain splattered her, but she stood her ground. A lone dripping figure stood in the doorway.

"Meredith!" Cassie pulled the sopping woman inside and pushed the door shut to keep them sheltered from the rain. "Are you all right?"

"I-"

She didn't wait for an explanation. "How long have you been driving? Where's the kids?"

"In the car. Sleeping."

Cassie grabbed her coat and boots and ran out to Meredith's car. It was still idling; the headlights shining brightly into the foyer's window. Meredith followed dazedly behind her and shut off the ignition. From the passenger side, Cassie scooped up a sleepy Zola while Meredith unbuckled her son.

They got the kids quickly inside and on the couch. Cassie stripped them out of their jackets and boots. She grabbed some blankets and pillows to cover them up and tucked them in. They easily resettled and drifted back to sleep.

Meredith remained standing, watching her kids, a what-the-hell-do-I-do-now look on her face.

"What happened?" Cassie asked.

She didn't answer. Cassie helped her out of her coat and brought her a blanket, too. She nudged her to sit down on the loveseat. "I'll make some tea," she said, turning to the kitchen. She set the kettle on and made up a plate with some cookies on it. When the kettle boiled, she got the tea leaves ready. Jasmine, she thought.

Returning to the living room, she offered Meredith a cup.

"Thanks," Meredith said, wrapping her long fingers around the warm mug.

Cassie patted her shoulder. "Are you alright?"

"I thought I could do it. I thought I had to do it." She chuckled. "But he told me I wasn't ready. And he's right."

"He?"

"Derek. I... talked to him."

The grief crept up her throat and felt as big as a softball. She took a breath. Another. Another. She gulped, but the urge to cry did not subside.

"Mommy?" Zola asked.

"Mommy needs a minute." She pushed the car door open and practically fell out onto the gas station parking lot. Rain seeped through her jacket, but she didn't care. Out of earshot of her kids, the dam she'd been holding back for hours burst. Rain and tears soaked her. She cried. Sobbed until her legs couldn't hold her up anymore and she slid to the pavement. She just missed him so damn much. No matter where she was, or what she was doing, or who she was with, she would ALWAYS miss him, and it would ALWAYS hurt. "I hate you! I hate you! I–Derek," she said. This was crazy, talking to thin air. But who else could she talk to? "If I go home..."

"You'll suffocate," Derek said.

She heard the soft timbre of his voice, and even though it bothered her, she felt she had no choice but to continue. "I just, I thought–"

"You didn't think. You ran."

"Of course I ran! You're dead! What am I supposed to do? You're in my head, all the time, saying things... and I can't get away. I can't! It's infuriating!" she yelled.