Ani - An ftm star wars clone wars au

Chapter 26: A War for the Soul

Sup fam, it's me ya boi Blue, I've had a crap day but I'm all in on the swtcw hyperfixation so y'all are getting ✨content✨! This took me a couple writing sessions but I'm proud of it. Also we're deep in the trenches of angst soldiers, so stand tall, and I'll see you on the other side. 🫡

Tw for grief, internalised transphobia, mentions of abusers, suicidal ideation.

-----x-----

As the sun beamed over Coruscant, two people flew down to land. One, a senator, the other a renowned Jedi Knight, neither of them feeling like the bright sun was accurate for the loss they were experiencing.

Reaching the landing pad outside their apartment, the two lovers entered without a word. Padmé went straight to her bed, still physically struggling after losing her child from such an intense illness. Anakin immediately walked over to the golden droid that was welcoming him home.

"Ah, Master Ani! Welcome home, I hope your journey was pleasant?"

"Threepio, please, ugh, please don't, I can't right now. Do you, um, do you need any repairs? I need to take my mind off things."

C3PO was stunned, he had never heard his master so glum and evasive. Deciding that it wasn't appropriate to question this mood, he simply declined the offer, his parts were in impeccable condition, thank you very much!

Dejected, Anakin turned away, dismissing the droid and retreating into his shared bedroom alongside his wife. Padmé was sleeping, although he could tell that it wasn't peaceful from the look of distress she wore. He felt so guilty in that moment, watching his angel suffer, he felt as though it was his fault, he could have been quicker, should have been quicker! For everyone! His squad, his padawan, his wife, and his unborn child...
The spiral of emotions left him feeling numb, the words weak and worthless echoed through his mind.

'Perhaps Watto was right... I'm nothing more than a weak slave girl, I don't deserve to be here. I should have died a long time ago.'

-----x-----

Across the planet-wide city, one man was afraid. It wasn't uncommon for Obi-wan to feel fear, but he could usually rise above; today was not one of those days. He could sense his former padawan, his brother, had returned, every Jedi could. The swirling darkness that surrounded his intense force signature was something akin to a bomb - sudden, intense, and a searing pain before it immediately went black.

His padawan, no matter how long it had been since his graduation to knighthood, was trying so hard to not let these feelings consume him, but he was fighting a losing battle. Hopping into his cruiser, he sent a message to commander Cody, informing him of his absence, before speeding away, desperate to console the ones he loved.

It took only a handful of minutes for Obi-wan to arrive at his best friends' home. The lights were on, which was a positive sign that the two hadn't completely shut themselves away, but the quietness gave cause for concern. As he exited his speeder, he noticed only one figure in the main living area - tall and with short curly hair. It was his little brother, his vod'ika, as the clones and wife would say, pacing back and forth searching for comfort in something that wasn't there.

"Anakin," the elder began, leaving time for the younger to adjust to his presence both in the force and the physical realms. Taking a deep breath, he strode across the room and engulfed his former padawan in an embrace that said everything words could not.

"You don't have to be strong all the time young one, there are others who are willing to share the burden, do not grieve alone."

Anakin opened his mouth, hoping to give some vague response around how he was fine and that Padmé needed care, instead resorting to closing it again and accepting the contact he craved in that moment.

After a few minutes of silence there was a small, frail voice, "I failed her, I failed all of them Obi-wan, I don't know how to live with myself. I don't know if I even want to."
He hadn't ever expected to feel like this again, with such a crushing weight on his soul. So many expectations, so many people needing him to be mature, a general, when in fact he was only 21 and had lost his first chance at a family and almost lost the family he already had in the same moments.

Obi-wan continued to hold Anakin, letting him express all his pain in the hopes that it could help ease the burden. He knew that everyone who was connected to the... The incident on Naboo would need to see mind healers, he just prayed that it would help where he couldn't. Grief was a war one fought for the sake of their own soul, hopefully his family could win.

-----x-----

A.N.
Okay! Bit shorter than some chapters but I think I did well. It's been almost 2 years since I wrote an actual chapter for this book, and so much has changed. I look back at how I was when we began writing, and I am pleasantly surprised that we are here today.

I will be turning 22 3 days after I post this, I never expected to live this long, but we made it, and I'm proud. I don't know what the future will bring, but I can at least have hope that it will be better than what life is right now. I hope to look back on this chapter of my life with pride, knowing that I struggled and scraped and clawed my way through. It feels like I'm in the midst of a storm, and I can't see a way out, but I know there will be.

I think what I'm trying to say is that we can all achieve so much more than we give ourselves credit for, and if you are reading this, then I'm proud of you.

All our love, Blue, and the whole space raiders system 💙👽