Ani - An ftm star wars clone wars au

Chapter 15- Time

Trigger warning for self harm and suicide. Nothing overtly graphic, but could upset some people, just be careful.

Written by Sam

Anakin woke up feeling calm, he could feel his lover wrapped around him, he felt safe. Checking the time, he would have to head up to the barracks in about an hour, 'not too bad, get a bit of time with Padmé at least.' he thought to himself. Not long after, Padmé began to stir, she noticed her fiance sitting up, reading the news on his holo-book and grasped his body. Trailing her fingers down his flesh arm, she looked at the scars, there were new ones she hadn't noticed.

"Ani," she said, sighing, "did you hurt yourself whilst you were away?" Her voice was almost a whisper, she was scared.

Anakin looked at his arm, then at his love, he couldn't pretend he hadn't, so he decided to be open.

"Yeah, *sigh* we were on our way back from Tatooine, and it all got too much you know..."

She nodded, she had to know more, even if it hurt, "what happened? I can't help if I don't know."

"I, um, I tried to kill myself, but I couldn't do it, I ended up just cutting. Rex found me, in the hangar, I was messing with my ship and I hadn't done a good job of cleaning myself up, so he saw. He took me to the med wing and Kix patched me up properly. I'll need to explain what happened to them as well... I'm scared Padmé, what do I say? How can I tell my men that I tried to take my own life?"

He began to cry, this would be a tough day for him, and she knew it. Wrapping her arms around him, she stroked his hair, calming him to a sniffle, taking a deep breath, she answered.
"You'll tell them what you feel comfortable with, they have to know, Rex is your second, and Kix is your medic, you can't hide from them. They already know you're trans right? So it won't be too difficult, just be honest. And if you need to take some time off, just call me and I'll explain it to Obi-Wan. I love you, remember that."

Her words reminded Anakin that he wasn't alone, he had his family. Even if he had lost his mother, he had her and Obi-Wan and now Ahsoka. Their love gave him the courage to face his demons. The two began getting dressed, Anakin calling R2 to bring his fighter to their apartment, all the while talking about the mundane. Their relationship wasn't released to the public yet, and although there were rumours, neither of them wanted to be hounded by reporters, meaning Anakin had to leave via the sky. His ship arrived and he clambered in, not before giving Padmé a sweet, intense kiss. He called out his goodbyes to Padmé's handmaidens, and then flew off into the bustling sky lanes.

Arriving at the GAR barracks, he went to the floor that held the 501st and 212th, Obi-Wan had insisted the men be close as the two Jedi worked together so often. Anakin entered the room to see seven men cuddled together in what could only be called a dog pile. Smirking, he did what he had to, (in his mind, in actuality he didn't have to do this at all) and yelled out to them.

"Attention men! Wake up, come on, in formation!"

The troopers were all suddenly wide awake and scrambling to stand together, Rex got sat on at one point, and Corric had his helmet on backwards. At the sight of it, Anakin burst out into an uncontrollable laughter, and managed to wheeze out an "at ease." The men looked at their general and began laughing, all sitting down on nearby beds. Only Kix noticed the shift in their generals mood - a look of nerves in his eyes, unnoticeable to someone who wasn't trained in psychological care.

"Anyway," Anakin started, "um, I was wondering if I could talk to Rex and Kix alone...?" His voice trailed off, and the men were stunned, this wasn't the general they usually saw. The aforementioned clones have each other a knowing look, and lead the Jedi Knight to a more secluded area.

"Is this about what happened the other night sir?" Rex was cautious with his words, he knew that he could be a bit blunt at times and didn't want to overstep his bounds. Kix gave Anakin a look that said 'it's okay, you can trust us' after noticing the young man was on edge.

Looking around the room, making sure noone else could hear, he nodded. It took him a few tries, but eventually he told them what he had told Padmé.
"Yeah, it is. I, um, I tried to kill myself that night, but I couldn't do it. Force, I feel so, so-" he cut himself off, unable to find the words.
"Only Padmé knows, I told her this morning and she made me tell you both. I'm sorry men, you shouldn't have to see me so weak."

Kix was shocked, he knew the general had problems, but this was different. "Sir, you aren't weak, are you gonna tell general Kenobi? You need at least someone else to know, the senator won't be with you on missions, and it would help."

Knowing that he was too drained to anything else today, he just nodded. Saying a quick goodbye to his men, he headed back to his apartment. Padmé said she'd talk to Obi-Wan, so he didn't have to worry about that at least. It may have only been ten fifteen, but the Anakin was tired, so he went back to sleep.

Around midday, Padmé entered the apartment and heard light snoring coming from her room, 'Anakin must be home.' Gently shaking him, he woke up, and they quickly embraced; he explained what had happened with his men and she completely understood. They walked into the living room and began prepping lunch together. Whilst her soon to be husband cutting some veg, she sent a message to Obi-Wan explaining the situation. It would be difficult, and it would a lot of take time, but they would get through it, together.

----x----
So this was written because it's been just over three months since I most recently tried to take my own life, and I've only gotten through this lockdown because I've had a few people who really care. I'm glad I failed, because I wouldn't have watched clone wars or started this story or see my brother and sister grow so much. So if you're struggling, just remember it gets better.

And Connor, thank you so much for being there for me