C
I sat in my Aquatic Science class as we colored on a diagram of a tortoise. It was easy work, and it was basically a free day. I had my music in my ears. That always led me to daydreaming. My daydreaming was almost never positive.
I used to lay at her grave every Saturday.
Tell my moms that I was out hanging with friends.
She was my only friend, in my mind, at that time.
When the wind blew I imagined it was her pushing my twists back. When it rained, it was her crying to come back to Earth to me. When it was hot, it was her glaring at me for doing something dumb.
And when it was cloudy.
It was hard to pretend that she was even there.
Kailin.
I wrote a dumb song on BandLab about her. My vocals were off, it was the same shitty track over and over, but it was Kailin's song, and I would listen to every time I went to the cemetery. It didn't even look right for her to die the year she did every time I touched those numbers. People don't die anymore nowadays. That's what only happened in the past, right?
It's obvious nobody close to me had ever died before.
Death seemed untouchable before, like it was something that would never happen in my own world, then suddenly I saw it everywhere. A tear went down my face every time I saw somebody shot on the news. A tear down my face every time I saw a sad commercial. Wet lashes and wet eyelids every time I saw someone else cry.
Suddenly, death made me more observant to everything.
So I drowned myself in substances I hadn't touched since Kailin. Because let me say something: When you know you're guilty, facing that guilt isn't as hard as not knowing if you are or not. Because that eats at you. When you don't know if you're the exact reason why your girlfriend killed herself, that leads to sooo many thoughts.
Most of mine were suicidal at the time.
But then I overcame that. With Moni, with my parents a little, with my friends as a whole. I felt a little human. A little alive. A little better. A little-
"Cecia, class is over," my teacher announced.
I blinked, nodding quickly, and getting my stuff together. The next class was already pouring in by the time I had gotten up and headed for my next class. I can't love Ora. What if I hurt her too? What if I let my love go too far?
The end of the day came before I knew it, and I was in a blur of tears. I didn't know why I was in such a flurry of emotion. Maybe it was because Ora didn't come back to the lunch table after she went to talk to Linda. I could've followed her and seen how the conversation went. But no...when I allow myself to do...it once...it gets out of hand. I can't keep putting pressure on Moni to look after me.
What if Ora drives off of a bridge too? No, I can't.
I won't...let that happen too.
So, I guess, I'm the problem here. Maybe...I'm the one who needs to leave. So everyone can stay.
I was leaning against the lockers by Ora's last class, trying to hold the rest of my tears in so she wouldn't see me cry. I knew I hadn't dried the my old tears, but I couldn't bring enough strength to me to let go of my backpack straps to touch my face.
As soon as the bell rang and Ora finally stepped out of her class, I burst into tears.
"Cecia, what's wrong?"
