traitor || sonadow angst

xiii

I had never seen Shadow in such a vulnerable state. It was heartbreaking. Seeing him harm himself was disheartening, and I wish he would have told me what was wrong.

His legs... there was so much frustration put into those cuts. Enough frustration to be built up over a lifetime. I had to keep an eye on him at all times, just to make sure he didn't go do it again.

"Sonic?" He muttered, pulling me from my thoughts.

"Hm?"

"I need to do it again." A wave of sorrow washed over me at his simple words. I knew what he meant. He needed to cut again. "It felt... right. A suitable punishment."

"No, Shadow. No punishments." I sighed.

"I can't- I have to."

"No you don't, Shads. There are other ways." I pleaded. He was so desperate for the pain, the punishment. He strongly believed he deserved it, and nothing I said could change his mind.

He was silent, looking at nothing in particular.

"Just once more?" He whispered. I shook my head. "Why?"

The tone in his voice broke me. He sounded so numb.

"Because, baby," I held him tight, his face in the crook of my neck. "I can't let you hurt yourself. You don't deserve to suffer."

He took a shuddering breath, holding him back.

"It's okay, love. It's gonna be okay."

-----

"I'm going to leave you with Rouge, okay?" He seemed reluctant, but I trusted Rouge, so he agreed.

I could tell that he wasn't just reluctant to be left with Rouge. He was worried about me.

He had good reason. I was going out for a reason. I brought the pack of razors and gauze and raced to a family washroom in a random store; somewhere where no one could disturb me.

I cut until I couldn't cut anymore, until I could barely move anymore. The gashes were thick and deep, drawing blood almost instantly, spilling down my thighs. When I had enough, I wrapped the gauze just as Sonic had. I hurried out of the bathroom and back into the store.

I limped over to the counter, bought a king-sized pack of cigarettes and a lighter, then left.

As I spotted Rouge and Sonic on the lawn in the distance, I painfully straightened my posture.

"Hey Shadow!" Sonic beamed. "Come sit with us!"

I knelt down beside him, suppressing a wince as Sonic went on about how much fun they had together. He rested his head on my shoulder, warming my body, while rubbing my bandaged thighs.

"I really missed you though." He finished, making me smile.

----------

Sonic drifted off to sleep, leaving Rouge and Shadow alone.

"Do you want a drink?" Rouge smiled.

"Please."

He poured a glass of red wine and sat on the front porch with his pack of cigarettes.

"So, how are you?" Rouge asked, taking a swig of her wine.

Shadow pondered the question. He resorted to his default lie.

"I'm fine I guess." Rouge raised her eyebrows. She had known him for too long to know he was lying to avoid the truth.

"Listen, I'm not taking that as an answer." She huffed. "However, I will be your therapist. I've already served as Sonic's therapist today, why not help you too?" Shadow's eyes widened upon hearing his lover's name.

"What did he say?"

"I shouldn't really tell you, but..." She sighed. "He's really worried about you. For a matter of fact, he's probably laying awake right now, hoping to chaos you're not plaing the violin on your legs."

"So he told you?"

"Yes, he did. But he also told me how much he loves you, and how little he would be without you. You make him feel like all those years of fighting Eggman were for more than just fame, that they actually made something of him. He really cares for you, and he's willing to put all his shit behind him to care for you, you just need to realize that." A smile tugged at Shadow's lips. "Now do me a favour and tell me what's going on."

"Fine." He huffed. "I just feel like I'm a novelty, nothing more than a boyfriend to him. Not a lover, not a protector, nothing. And that's not his fault, it's just my mind trying to tell me I'm not enough. But really, it doesn't matter what he sees me as, because I know I've never loved anyone as much as I've loved him, and I need to protect him, no matter what."

"Have you even ever loved anyone?" Rouge chuckled.

"No, so I'm new to this. All I know is I love him, and I would give my life for him. He needs me, and putting the whole "Ultimate Lifeform" thing aside, I need him too."

Sonic emerged from the doorway, drowsily wandering over to Shadow.

"Come to bed." He muttered.

"I should leave then." Rouge chimed in. "Goodnight, lovebirds."

Shadow swept Sonic off his feet, carrying him like a bride. Sonic was giggling like mad, burying his face in Shadow's fur. He lowered his lover back on the bed, gently replacing the blankets over his figure.

He slid in beside Sonic, closing the gap between them.

"I heard everything." He whispered. "I just want you to know that I really love you, no matter what happens." Shadow smiled.

"I love you too, more than I could ever love anyone."

UHIUNXDi I STAYED UP UNTIL SOME UNGODLY HOUR WRITING THIS AND I PUBLISHED IT BUT IT DIDNT FUCKING SAVE???? WHAT>???

anyway love yall